Fat Kids With Tubas: An Intervention
Don't do it kid. I'm begging you: Put down the tuba. Look, you're already fat. Why did you have to add "tuba player" to your image as well?
I'm not trying to be mean, really. Being a former child-fatty whose nickname was--well, never mind about that. I had a lot of nick names that related to my former girth, most of them being fat-related explatives that rhymed with my last name. I've been there. I'm speaking with enormous amounts of sympathy and empathy for your situation.
I know how mean kids can be. I know how mean kids are. Unfortunately, because you are a fat boy who has chosen to play the tuba, you are inviting an even greater amount of caustic ridicule with open arms (meaty, flabby and sweaty open arms). Normally, I would say, "Play that tuba, kid! Who gives a fuck what other people think." The tuba itself, however, is a stupid musical instrument. I submit that it really isn't an instrument at all, but a large, shinier and gayer than C-3PO equivalent of a "KICK ME" sign on your back.
Did I mention that the tuba was large? Let me repeat that: It's large. When you finally get that brass corset around your tubby belly and add it's hefty weight to your already copious cargo, then wrap your meaty arms around this corpulent instrument, then place your bloated lips on the mouthpiece, puffing up your Twinkie induced Charlie Parker cheeks to blow out a foghorn of a tone, it looks like one of two things: 1) You are trying to have sex with the instrument. 2) You are trying to eat the instrument. What's worse, is that a person observing this knows that you really aren't trying to have sex with or eat the tuba, but there's a nagging little voice in the back of one's brain saying, "Well, maybe he is."
Again, I don't want to appear unsympathetic or come off like every other dumb, jock asshole who makes fun of you. If by chance you happen to be an individual who absolutely loves the tuba, then proclaim this fact loudly, tell me to go to hell and stop reading now. If the tuba is your passion, I'll end my criticism and advice right here, and I'll completely support your choice to play that brass-blubber-boy instrument.
You really have to love the tuba though.
I mean, to get my respect and for you to be a strong enough individual to deflect enourmous amounts of ridcule from society, you need to love the tuba like Einstein loved quadratic equations, like Monet loved painting fuzzy pictures and like Jay Leno loves to tell unfunny and intelligence insulting jokes. Your passion for the tuba should be as great as Ed Wood's for angora. I'll even submit that your passion for the tuba, and I know this may seem too extreme, should be greater than your passion for Twinkies. If the word "tuba" equals your passion, I'll shut my pie-hole now. However, before you truly decide if the tuba really is for you, let me give you some further insight as to why the tuba really isn't a good instrument choice for a fat-ass like you.
The tuba is an instrument that embodies a number of inherent negative conotations. As more than alluded to earlier, it is a large and clumsy instrument. Can you think of anyone else who is large and clumsy? Um, you? Exactly. You already huff and puff and sweat and chafe when walking at a sub-leisurly pace. Now add a large, awkward instrument to your payload. It's not a pleasing picture, is it? Adding an awkward instrument to your body is like adding a stick of butter to a lard sandwich. It's just too much. It's way over the top.
The Tuba is not a solo instrument. I've never seen a VH-1 "Behind the Music" special about a tuba player who lived a passionate life, spending his nights snorting cocaine off supermodel ass between concerts. Even in the tuba's golden age of John Phillip Sousa marches, it's primary role was and is to provide a deep base line, a foundation for the music, if you will. Yes, foundations are needed in all aspects of life, literally and metaphorically, to be able to build great things. Unfortunately, your body mass is already as large as a foundation for a meat processing plant.
Futher supporting my claim that the tuba has negative connotations attached to it, this instrument is used to make rude and annoying sounds in the cinema and cartoons. It sounds like one of your sonorous farts after you gorge yourself in a chili eating competition. It's also used to make elephant noises. The best example of this is a song from Disney's The Jungle Book called "Colonel Hathi's March," subtitled "The Elephant Song." The controlled, thick noise that the tuba produces simply sounds like a fat instrument. The onomatopoeia word I've heard to describe the sound of the tuba is "Oompa." "Oompa" is a fat sounding word also (when crazy Greeks aren't exclaiming the word when setting cheese on fire for your dining enjoyment).
Even the damn word "tuba" itself has negative connotation attached to it. The word "tub" is a part of the word "tuba." This just isn't good for a fatty at all. Aside from being a shortened version of the word "tubby," "tub" also rhymes with "chub." (Interestingly enough, have any of you ever thought about the word "tubby" and why it denotes a fat person? Picture a large, round tub. . .) One further breakdown of the the connotation of this word goes something like this in my mind: Tuba>Tube>Tub>Tub A>Tub O' Lard.
So now you see, my fat tuba-playing friend, why the tuba is a bad instrument choice for you on so many different levels. To break down my breakdown,
Visual: You're large, and the tuba is large. You're clumsy and even clumsier when you don the instrument.
Auditory: The tuba sounds like a fart and a slow moving elephant. Perhaps even a slow moving, farting elephant.
Societal: Unless you are going to become a Tuba Master, playing the tuba doesn't earn you any cool points.
Connotative & Psychological: The word itself sounds fat and invokes fat images.
One last time, my intention was and is not to make fun of you or add to your misery. I'm here to help. If you have read my thoughts and decided to that you are only even more gung-ho about becoming a tuba master, I applaud you. If, on the other hand, you have decided that the tuba is not for you, I only have one last piece of advice. Don't choose the French Horn as a replacement.
I'm not trying to be mean, really. Being a former child-fatty whose nickname was--well, never mind about that. I had a lot of nick names that related to my former girth, most of them being fat-related explatives that rhymed with my last name. I've been there. I'm speaking with enormous amounts of sympathy and empathy for your situation.
I know how mean kids can be. I know how mean kids are. Unfortunately, because you are a fat boy who has chosen to play the tuba, you are inviting an even greater amount of caustic ridicule with open arms (meaty, flabby and sweaty open arms). Normally, I would say, "Play that tuba, kid! Who gives a fuck what other people think." The tuba itself, however, is a stupid musical instrument. I submit that it really isn't an instrument at all, but a large, shinier and gayer than C-3PO equivalent of a "KICK ME" sign on your back.
Did I mention that the tuba was large? Let me repeat that: It's large. When you finally get that brass corset around your tubby belly and add it's hefty weight to your already copious cargo, then wrap your meaty arms around this corpulent instrument, then place your bloated lips on the mouthpiece, puffing up your Twinkie induced Charlie Parker cheeks to blow out a foghorn of a tone, it looks like one of two things: 1) You are trying to have sex with the instrument. 2) You are trying to eat the instrument. What's worse, is that a person observing this knows that you really aren't trying to have sex with or eat the tuba, but there's a nagging little voice in the back of one's brain saying, "Well, maybe he is."
Again, I don't want to appear unsympathetic or come off like every other dumb, jock asshole who makes fun of you. If by chance you happen to be an individual who absolutely loves the tuba, then proclaim this fact loudly, tell me to go to hell and stop reading now. If the tuba is your passion, I'll end my criticism and advice right here, and I'll completely support your choice to play that brass-blubber-boy instrument.
You really have to love the tuba though.
I mean, to get my respect and for you to be a strong enough individual to deflect enourmous amounts of ridcule from society, you need to love the tuba like Einstein loved quadratic equations, like Monet loved painting fuzzy pictures and like Jay Leno loves to tell unfunny and intelligence insulting jokes. Your passion for the tuba should be as great as Ed Wood's for angora. I'll even submit that your passion for the tuba, and I know this may seem too extreme, should be greater than your passion for Twinkies. If the word "tuba" equals your passion, I'll shut my pie-hole now. However, before you truly decide if the tuba really is for you, let me give you some further insight as to why the tuba really isn't a good instrument choice for a fat-ass like you.
The tuba is an instrument that embodies a number of inherent negative conotations. As more than alluded to earlier, it is a large and clumsy instrument. Can you think of anyone else who is large and clumsy? Um, you? Exactly. You already huff and puff and sweat and chafe when walking at a sub-leisurly pace. Now add a large, awkward instrument to your payload. It's not a pleasing picture, is it? Adding an awkward instrument to your body is like adding a stick of butter to a lard sandwich. It's just too much. It's way over the top.
The Tuba is not a solo instrument. I've never seen a VH-1 "Behind the Music" special about a tuba player who lived a passionate life, spending his nights snorting cocaine off supermodel ass between concerts. Even in the tuba's golden age of John Phillip Sousa marches, it's primary role was and is to provide a deep base line, a foundation for the music, if you will. Yes, foundations are needed in all aspects of life, literally and metaphorically, to be able to build great things. Unfortunately, your body mass is already as large as a foundation for a meat processing plant.
Futher supporting my claim that the tuba has negative connotations attached to it, this instrument is used to make rude and annoying sounds in the cinema and cartoons. It sounds like one of your sonorous farts after you gorge yourself in a chili eating competition. It's also used to make elephant noises. The best example of this is a song from Disney's The Jungle Book called "Colonel Hathi's March," subtitled "The Elephant Song." The controlled, thick noise that the tuba produces simply sounds like a fat instrument. The onomatopoeia word I've heard to describe the sound of the tuba is "Oompa." "Oompa" is a fat sounding word also (when crazy Greeks aren't exclaiming the word when setting cheese on fire for your dining enjoyment).
Even the damn word "tuba" itself has negative connotation attached to it. The word "tub" is a part of the word "tuba." This just isn't good for a fatty at all. Aside from being a shortened version of the word "tubby," "tub" also rhymes with "chub." (Interestingly enough, have any of you ever thought about the word "tubby" and why it denotes a fat person? Picture a large, round tub. . .) One further breakdown of the the connotation of this word goes something like this in my mind: Tuba>Tube>Tub>Tub A>Tub O' Lard.
So now you see, my fat tuba-playing friend, why the tuba is a bad instrument choice for you on so many different levels. To break down my breakdown,
Visual: You're large, and the tuba is large. You're clumsy and even clumsier when you don the instrument.
Auditory: The tuba sounds like a fart and a slow moving elephant. Perhaps even a slow moving, farting elephant.
Societal: Unless you are going to become a Tuba Master, playing the tuba doesn't earn you any cool points.
Connotative & Psychological: The word itself sounds fat and invokes fat images.
One last time, my intention was and is not to make fun of you or add to your misery. I'm here to help. If you have read my thoughts and decided to that you are only even more gung-ho about becoming a tuba master, I applaud you. If, on the other hand, you have decided that the tuba is not for you, I only have one last piece of advice. Don't choose the French Horn as a replacement.
posted by Rant-N-Roll at 12:19 PM
3 Comments:
The french horn IS the gayest instrument ever. I once knew someone who carried his french horn with him EVERYWHERE!
I do respect your wanting to give overweight people some advice on which musical instrument to not pick. But I will go ahead and insert some personal experiences now.
On the tuba: it is a passion for MANY tuba players. They will risk their cool factor on the appearances for the opportunity to play that instrument. Many tuba players also play impressive solos. I have also had the pleasure of playing around with my former husband's tuba. I have never had such an out-of-body experience with anything else. A crystal bowl that chimes or a drum that beats can come close. Upon blowing into the mouthpiece, I became the tuba. I resonated and hummed and lulled myself into an altered state. And I didn't care about what I looked like at that moment. I think that's how people get hooked.
www.tubajoe.com
Post a Comment
<< Home