The Vagina Dialogues

(Andrea and Patti, two vaginas, are enjoying the benefits of the nice cups of herbal tea that their female hosts are drinking on a Starbucks patio.)

ANREA: Isn't it just great to be a vagina!

PATTI: Oh my, yes. It's just super-swell to be a vagina.

ANDREA: I mean, like, if I weren't a vagina, I just don't, like, know what I would do with myself.

PATTI: Yes, yes, I whole-clitedly agree that I too wouldn't know what do with myself If I wasn't a vagina.

ANDREA: Well let me tell you sister that you are one beautiful vagina.

PATTI: As are you. We may have different individual styles and tastes, but we are united through the collective folds and ripples of vaginahood. There is no life like the vag life.

ANDREA: Agreed. Can I ask you one question though?

PATTI: Sure.

ANDREA: Do my lips look too big? Be honest now.

PATTI: Not at all!

ANDREA: Are you sure?

PATTI: You're beautiful sister! I'm no anarcho-vaginist, but I do believe that you shouldn't let the phallocentric standards of vaginal beauty negatively affect your self image. You are a BBV with BBPL's.

ANDREA: BBV? BBPL'S? Sorry, but I was really never that political.

PATTI: (Sighing playfully) Honey, you are a "Big Beautiful Vagina" with "Big Beautiful Pussy Lips!"

ANDREA & PATTI: Tee-hee!

ANDREA: Thank you Patti. Oh, would you just look at me, you've made me cry. Now I'm getting all moist.

PATTI: Let it out sugar. You are beautiful. But to be perfectly honest, you could use a trim. . .but that's just one vagina's opinion.

ANDREA: It's okay. I like my 'fro. And I like your baldness, even though it's not my style.

PATTI: Yeah, back in the 90's my gyno-host called me Sinead O'Cunty.

ANDREA: Well, regardless, you are a good friend--and you're beautiful! I only wish I had a tongue to lick you with.

PATTI: Oh stop. You're going to make me all moist too.

ANDREA: Oh. Do you still have that problem?

PATTI: Well, I've almost licked it.

ANDREA: No more 'Wonder Bread'?

PATTI: No. Just a few tiny baguettes.

ANDREA & PATTI: Tee-hee!

ANDREA: Well that's good.

PATTI: Yeah, I just wish that my host would stop writing poems about me.

ANDREA: Ugggh! Does she still glob on the pathouli oil and not wash her feet as well?

PATTI: More than ever. She keeps me pretty squeaky, but at the rate she's going and what she's going on about, I wouldn't be suprised if GAIA herself popped out of me one day.

ANDREA: Uggh. It's ironic, isn't it, how she waxes you bald but is a sasquatch everywhere else.

PATTI: Horrid. Absolutely horrid. Speaking of "hair issues," I noticed when my host leaned back in her chair that your host now has, well, a "femullet."

ANDREA: Why did you remind me!

PATTI: Unfortunate. . .

ANDREA: I thought that her hair was bad enough when she was sporting the 'Karate Kid' do, but this Femullet? It's just wrong.

PATTI: I know, I know. What can you do though? I'd weep for you personally, but I don't want the bread factory to go into full production though.

ANDREA: It would be a lot easier if she just got a tasteful haircut and wore a t-shirt that said, "I LICK PUSSY."

PATTI: You're preaching to an echoy-choir here, sister.

ANDREA: Sigh.

PATTI: Sigh. Well, anyway, you are looking great.

ANDREA: You too!

PATTI: Talk to you soon. Kisses!

ANDREA & PATTI: Mmmmmph!!!