Jesse Jackson: What's He Qualified To Do?

Jesse Jackson, as an individual, is a lot like the herpes disease. Just when one forgets about him, he breaks out of hibernation and causes ugliness and discomfort. I'm not going to go into all of the reasons why I dislike Jesse. Instead, let me simply summarize my views by calling him a fraudulous huckster. Now, if you want to just skip the rest of my long-winded summary and get right to the -->wacky pictures<--, click here.
Jesse was a leader who once showed great promise; today he is a racial ambulance chaser who appears like a magician wherever a story exists that he can exploit. The Terri Schiavo fiasco didn't have enough media leeches sucking on the tragedy teat and inflaming a family's private issue: POOF!--JESSE'S there. A bunch of students, who happened to be black, get into a fight at a Decautur, Illinois football game and are expelled for two years--KAZAAM!--JESSE appears and leads a 5,000 person protest march.

To unsummarize my summary just a bit, I believe Jesse does more harm than good in his efforts to "empower" the black community, namely by promoting a reperations and quota based form of equality. His actions and philosophical premises do no unite the races either. Instead, what he preaches further divides blacks and whites. In fact, it is my belief that Jesse Jackson uses the black community as a shill to empower and "welathify" who is really most in Jesse's activism scope: Jesse Jackson. Anything good achieved for the black community is just an antecedent accident, fallout if you will, of his efforts to achieve more personal riches and power. [See the following Wickipedia article that provides a fair and balanced view of Jesse's successes and controversies, including how he shook down (my opinion) Anheuser Busch. At least two of Jesse's kids got their own brewery out of the deal.] I was discussing this recently with a black woman who agreed to a certain extent with my point of view, but she added that "Jesse Jackson may not be honorable all the time, but he serves a purpose for the black community." I told her that I agree with this statement, but unfortunately Jesse's main purpose is to serve Jesse.

Recently, while watching a news report yesterday detaling the controversy that occurred recently between Jesse and Mexican President Vicente Fox, I started zoning out. Jesse's orations, gesticulations and oral-ejaculatons faded into the background, then thankfully disapearred completely. My mind then went to a wonderful but unfortunately imaginary place, a country and world where racial harmony was no longer an issue because race itself was no longer an issue.

I imagined a world where political parties and government propagandists no longer used race issues to keep blacks and whites at each other's throats; I imagined a world where standards were more objective, where skill and merit were valued and social democrats were no longer playing "social engineer" to keep people dependent on government and mistrustful of "whitey" thereby ensuring a constituent base that continues to vote for social Democrats. Yes, I imagined a world where race still existed but was as divisive as choosing between vanilla or chocolate ice cream; I imagined a world where race was unnoticable on the same level that Jay Leno is annoying. This fantasy land was a nice place to visit, but staying firmly planted in this land of hazy reverie was difficult. My mental focus slowly returned to the solid realities of reality.

And then it hit me.

What could Jesse Jackson do in a world like this? Then, turning this situation over in my mind a few times, I thought what could Jesse Jackson do in world chock-full of equality and free of racial derision? What exactly would he be qualified to do? With the racial disenfranchisment franchise gone and the gravy-train derailed, what kind of gainful employment could Jesse undertake?

My answer: Not much. But of course I mused further on the subject and now present to you the following examples of Jobs that I believe the Honorable Jesse Jackson would be qualified for:

JESSE'S JOBS

1. Wal-Mart Greeter

I concede that Jesse does have some mad people skills. His interpersonal communication style will make every person who enters the store feel like an honored guest, not to mention give them the feeling that Jackson knows each customer personally.


2. Construction Flagger

Stop. Go. Slow down. Definately an adequate form of employment for someone of his skill set.

3. Dunk Tank Worker

Finally, Jesse will bring smiles to the faces of anyone with balls. To throw, that is.


4. Blood Donor

Jesse can help his fellow man, and get a couple of bucks in the process.


5. Mannequin

This is a role where Jesse could do the most good: Standing still and shutting the hell up.

6. Scarecrow

He could scare all the crows away easily by reciting his 1996 speech to the Democratic National Convention

7. Fellator

Finally, Jesse can return the same favor that he asked of so many corporations and organizations.

This is only a sampling of the many ideas that popped into my head as to what jobs Jesse Jackson would be qualifed for if he could no longer work in his currently lucrative "community leader/activist" role (just how much does a community leader/activist get paid these days? Hello! IRS!). I actually had to cross many jobs off my original list. Many of them simply required too many specialized skills and specialized knowledge, like "Starbucks Barista" and "Meter Maid."

Because weeding through vocations that Jesse would be skilled enough to perform was tough, I don't feel like I'm done with this project. This is where you come in: I now put out an official OPEN CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS of job ideas that you believe Jesse Jackson would be qualified for in a racially harmonious world. E-mail me at rantnroll@gmail.com with the subject heading "Jesse's Jobs." E-mail me a job suggestion for Jesse with or without further elaboration and/or justification. Or if you're feeling particularly ambitious, feel free to e-mail your own Photoshop creation of Jesse working at your job suggestion. All entries will be posted right here in a future blog entry. Please note that when thinking of jobs for Jesse, the scenerio assumes that Jesse is powerless to create new racial issues and problems. Just assume that society has advanced beyond Jesse Jackson's ability to fuck it up. Help me beat this dead horse a little more. E-mail me your submissions!