Saturday, April 16, 2005

Why Stop at The Cookie Monster?

Sesame Street, or "The SS Muppet Gestapo" as I'm starting to refer to them, has emasculated the Cookie Monster (see "Goodbye Cookie Monster: You Are Now A Pussy").

Believe it or not, Sesame Street has done this in the past. The secondary character on the show known as Telly, or The Telly Monster, used to be called the Television Monster. Producers thought that a monster addicted to television was a bad influence on children.

I understand that many organizations like Sesame Street (henceforeth known as "The SS") like to practice incrementalism, which involves implementing new policies slowly so as to not make sweeping reforms that may upset society (the old "How to Boil A Frog" analogy). But with the Cookie Monster's recent emasculation, I think it's time for Sesame Street to let go of the handbrake and yank back hard on the cultural responsibility throttle.

I now present modest examples of respectfully submitted suggestions to help the producers of Sesame Street in determining more correct traits for their lovable Muppet characters:

OSCAR THE GROUCH
In addition to suffering from a general anger disorder, he lives in a garbage can. A dirty, disease spreading, rat-infested New York City garbage can. Shouldn't this character, henceforth to be known as Oscar the general Anger Disorder Sufferer, display better hygiene? Is living in a garbage can good behavior for children to model? I know that judging lifestyle choices (or just about anything else) is typically a big no-no as preached by The SS to our children, yet the lifestyle choice of living in refuse clearly isn't a healthy choice. Furthermore, along with relocation to suitable housing, Oscar needs to begin seeing a therapist and taking medication for his anger issues. He could move into a condo, perhaps?

BIG BIRD
Though the yellow and long-beaked bird in question definitely is "big" in comparison to other birds and even humans, isn't the word "big" itself derogatory? I submit that calling him "Big Bird" is as bad as calling him "Fat Ass Bird." Even worse, where is Big Bird's identity? All the other strange creatures and monsters on Sesame Street have real names. What's Big Bird's name? "Bird?" I don't think so. This form of nick-name nameism cannot be allowed to continue.

THE COUNT aka COUNT VAN COUNT
First of all, he's a vampire for Christ's sake. While this seemingly friendly creature's only vice seems to be the love of counting things, he is still a blood sucking vampire. We never see what goes on behind the scenes. We never see The Count stalking the large bosomed, milky white skinned maidens when he finishes counting something and the cameras turn off. Portraying a vampire so lovable will ill-equip a child who encounters real vampires (Goth or otherwise) in the real world.

More important, and much, much worse: The Count is royalty. Nothing flies in the face of the egalitarian values The SS tries to promote than the elevation of titled nobility. Consequently, The Count should be stripped of both his vampirism and title and should henceforth be known as "Cal, The Really Nice Ordinary Guy Who Really Enjoys Counting, Sometimes a Bit Too Much." Making the Count a simple human who can't help counting things also opens the doorway for The SS producers to address obsessive-compulsive disorders. Maybe autism as well.

ELMO
Sesame street was bold when it introduced Elmo: The steamy subtext. The inherent implications of a furry, creature with a high-pitched voice that loves everybody. Kudos should be given to The SS for this bold addition, but I believe society has advanced far enough to remove Elmo's veneer. With this in mind, the SS producers should simply change his name from "Elmo" to "Homo."

GROVER
How I loved this Muppet. I remember drunken nights from years ago where I was called upon to perform my own version of Grover's classic "Near!" [Grover runs far away from the camera, panting all the while, turns around, then squarely faces the camera] Far!" [Repeat. Many times.]

Can anyone say Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? I knew that you could.

Unfortunately, with the wisdom of my years, I see that Grover is the poster Muppet for Ritalin. Sometimes he's low-key, even thoughtful, and is able to have normal conversations with the other inhabitants of Sesame Street. Other times, he is a frothing at the mouth rampaging maniac.

Because I used to be a teacher (strange and sad, I know), I am more than familiar with the extent and frequency that children are prescribed Ritalin today (whether or not this is right, whether or not parents are just lazy fuckers who instead of wanting to parent correctly decide to drug their kids for acting like kids is another issue altogether). With the introduction of Ritalin to Grover's repretoire, these children will have a lovable monster to identify with which will help reduce the stigma attached to their ADHD diagnoses.

Things invevitably change in society. While it will be sad to see the "Near. . .Far!" segment defunked, it can be replaced with the more socially responsible segment entitled, "Well Behaved!" and "Even More Well Behaved!" The "Near. . .Far!" segment can be brought back periodically, but only to illustrate what happens to Grover when he fails to take his medication.

Finally, to increase awareness (the popular pastime of many organizations), perhaps Grover's name should be amended from "Grover" to "Grover 314.01." "314.01" is the DSM IV code for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder for "predominantly hyperactive-impulse" types.

ERNIE & BERT
Okay, we all know these two are a gay couple. Reams (no pun intended) of articles and parodies of their relationship exist all over the web. Been there, done that.

Major, major kudos are in order for The SS in portraying these characters much more favorably and in your face than Elmo. They're roommates. The camera is often in their bedroom. We've even seen their beds, which are separated by a nightstand reminiscent of a 1950's "Lucy and Ricky" connubial bedroom arrangement.

You've done good--real good--with these characters so far Sesame Street, but now it's time to let these characters evolve! Push those beds together. Replace the "E" and "B" monograms above their respective beds with "T" for "top" and "B" for "bottom" to more accurately represent Ernie and Berts roles in the relationship. I want to see rainbows and assholes in that bedroom, and I want to see them today.

IN CONCLUSION
This, I'm sure, is only a good beginning. But I've just about shot my wad on the subject. It takes a village to raise a Muppet, and it takes a village of WWW freaks like me to come up with more and better suggestions. I invite you to submit your suggestions for more ways to improve and reeducate all Sesame Street characters, even the human ones. (How does the idea of making Luis a wife-beater sound?)

Please forward all your suggestions, which will be posted in this blog, to: rantnroll@gmail.com

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about a gangbang? Growing up, I thought that Maria was the hottest thing on two legs. I think Maria's the reason why I have a thing for Latina women today.

How hot would it be to see Grover burying his face between Maria's creamy-cocoa thighs?

Yes. Definately a gang bang! MUPPET BUKAKKE!

6:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. With your tongue in your cheek, you really said a lot by showing and not telling. Good job, and please, please, please keep it up!

7:40 PM  
Blogger Mona said...

This is hilarious. You're brilliant.

7:52 PM  

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