Congratulations Marchers for Immigrant Rights!

On the rally that occurred in downtown Chicago on 3.10.2006, where thousands of patriotic Americans met to oppose HR 4437 Legislation.

Yes, today you marched and protested a bill that would further restrict illegal immigration. I know you oppose this bill because you love America! Don't listen to those jingoistic dickheads who are telling you that coming to this country "illegally" is wrong. (What does the word "illegal" even mean anyway when one is dealing with an important social issue like this?) I mean, you came to this country with the same wide-eyed idealistic vision of America as a land of opportunity just like the Krauts, Pollacks, Dagos and Micks of yore. You came to this country because in your heart you love the hell out of it! You have the American dream, and just like the immigrants of Ellis Island Past, you wanted to come here to find a better job, a better way of life, to learn the English language and become part of this melting pot! Heck, we know melting pots are good, that melting pots make a people and culture stronger, just like a steel alloy!

Okay, so unlike past immigrants, like my Dago Grandparents and great Grandparents, you are bit slow on the uptake in learning English. I'm optimistic though.

True, there are many in your community who have lived here for fifty or more years who still only know how to say, "No Hablo Ingles," but that's okay. You're just not used to all this opportunity and freedom.

Okay, so what if your American-Xenophobia makes you only stay in your communities, where you can get by forever without learning a lick of English. Those of you who go wait at Home Depot for your shitty paying day laborer jobs know enough English to survive: When the contractor shows up and says "Drywall," you raise your hand.

It really is okay because you love America so much. Well, actually, you seem to love your home country even more than America, which puzzles me because that's the place you wanted to escape. Hell, some of you climbed fences and paddled on rafts no bigger than a sardine cans to get here. Which is why I don't understand all the nationalistic pride for the lands you escaped from. Is it because the only thing America is to you is a paycheck? Nah. Couldn’t be. . . However, at the Illegal Immigrant Rights march today, I saw a multitude of Mexican flags and banners (one was even sewed onto ass of this hot chick's jeans) than American flags.

I'm third generation Greaseball myself. I do have a special place for Italy in my heart, but it's way deep down. Some of you are fifth generation, but you act like Mexico is the motherland of all motherlands. I don't want to live in Italy. Their electricity and infrastructure (the real "not for tourists" Italy mind you) sucks. Mexico? A glass of water with cholera will cost you extra pesos! Oh well. I'm probably just a naive Anglo who doesn't understand sensitive cultural issues like this. I wish I could, but that language barrier is hard to cross to build anything like "islands of understanding" across this great cultural gulf. I try so hard to take my blinders off and not be a pig-headed, crass American--my unearned guilt tells me that I should learn Spanish damn it!—but it’s just funny how I worry. I truly worry that America is becoming more and more Balkanized by the day, but this is probably just my paranoia.

Gosh. These worries are stupid. You go Mexicans and randomly tribal Eastern Europeans, etc., etc. (oh shit, the Balkans!). I know that we'll all get along right fine with time!

Oh, I almost forgot: FREE TIBET!

Shannon, I Miss Fucking You Doggie Style

I couldn't help myself. On Monday, March 6, 2006 someone posted the following Missed Connections ad on Chicago's Craigslist:

Shannon-I miss fucking you doggie style. - m4w - 32

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Reply to: pers-139519743@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:00PM CST


You were always so eager for the fun.

I loved it when you told mme [sic] to pull your hair.

It's too bad it didn't work out.

Well, something about this ad really struck my funny bone. Maybe it was the brashness of the title juxtaposed with the haiku-like simplicity of the actual post. In a mirth-making-marathon, I began typing in frenzy and posted multiple spoofs of this ad, like this one:

Shannon-I miss shitting on you doggie style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139526423@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:18PM CST


You were always so eager for the turd drop.

I loved it when you told me to squat above you and arch my back.

It's too bad it didn't work out. Whenever I eat steak, I think of you.

This was the first spoof ad. I posted twelve more ads in record time. Then others began joining in with their versions. Posts that are not mine are highlighted in blue. The following day, I posted even more ads. So did others. Some people were very creative. Some people got very pissed off (in addition to the hate mail people sent me, most of the "Shannon" posts were flagged off the Missed Connections board). I especially like the "Krom" and "Dungeons and Dragons" ads posted by the others. Some of the posts are very in-jokey, dealing Craigslist and Chicago, so if you're not from around these parts, feel free to ask any questions. Or, if you're one of the alternative Shannon writers, feel free to drop me a line if you want a byline. All I know is I haven't had this much fun on Craigslist since the great Poopidence incident. Enjoy.

Shannon-I miss fucking you zui quan style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139527602@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:21PM CST

You were always so eager for the waddle.

I loved it when you told me to wushu your pussy.

It's too bad the thrusting didn't work out.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Hemingway style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139529719@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:27PM CST


You were always so eager for the sensory detail.

I loved it when you told me to "fight the bull-flaps."

It's too bad it didn't work out. Now I'm drinking more than ever.

Shannon-I miss fucking you limerick style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139530891@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:32PM CST


You were always so eager for the pun,

I loved it when you told me to have fun,

It's too bad it didn't work out,

Now my cock's in a drought,

And my masturbatory skills can't be outdone.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Subway® style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139531574@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:32PM CST


You were always so eager for the mayonaise.

I loved it when you told me to double stuff your bun.

It's too bad I'm allergic to vinegar.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Chicago style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139532355@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:35PM CST


You were always so eager for the funds.

I loved it when you told me tax your ass and claim eminent domain of your body.

It's too bad we didn't greast the right palms.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Bill Gates style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139532979@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:36PM CST


You were always so eager for the bugs.

I loved it when you told me to reboot.

It's too bad we couldn't download a patch to make it work out.

Shannon-I miss fucking you fire house style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139534309@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:40PM CST


You were always so eager for the fire.

I loved it when you told me to hose you down.

It's too bad you didn't work out more 'cause my body is so much nicer than yours.

Shannon-I miss fucking you hipster style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139537992@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:50PM CST


You were always so eager for the filter.

I loved it when you told me that deconstructionism is another relative human construct that defeats itself by its very definition while gobbling my cock.

It's too bad it didn't work out. Or did it?

Shannon-I miss fucking you Ohio transplant style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139539088@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:53PM CST


You were always so eager me to Jaegerbomb your puss.

I loved it when you told me to pretend your clit was the Golden Tee trackball.

It's too bad it didn't work ou--GO BUCKEYES!

Shannon-I miss fucking you CTA style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139539697@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:55PM CST


You were always so eager to wait for signals.

I loved it when you told me to board your from the rear, which is clearly against the rules.

It's too bad you raised your fares without giving better oral.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Starbucks style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139540969@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 2:59PM CST


You were always so eager for the cream.

I loved it when you told me you wanted it extra hot and foamy.

It's too bad you cost too fucking much.

Shannon-I miss fucking you tourist style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139542252@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 3:04PM CST


You were always so eager to take pictures of my thumb.

I loved it when you told me, "I'm trying to find your Sears Tower."

It's too bad we were afraid to stray from Michigan Avenue.

Shannon -I miss fucking you doggie style. - m4w - 21

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Reply to: pers-139542518@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 3:04PM CST


You were always so eager to get hair all over my stuff and shit on my floor.

I loved it when you told me by barking and barking that you had to pee.

It's too bad you dodn't have these kickass thumbs and fast wireless internet connection.

From SHANNON

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Reply to: pers-139545398@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 3:11PM CST


I miss you too!

SHANNON - i miss fucking you peach pit style... - 29

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Reply to: pers-139552140@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 3:30PM CST


You were always so eager to let me hang out in you, even after dark.

I loved it when you told me david silver was managing your back half.

Too bad you never got to be in this sadwich.

He didn't mean that Shannon, he meant me

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Reply to: pers-139560713@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 3:55PM CST


Miss you too!

SHANNON - i miss fucking toad stool style... - m4w - 28

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Reply to: pers-139563165@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 4:01PM CST


You were always so eager for me to keep you in the dark.

I loved it when you told me feed you manure.

It's too bad it didn't work out. I'm growing something that looks like a mushroom on my dick.

From Shannon

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Reply to: pers-139564128@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 4:04PM CST


Yeah, I am going to miss it too

SHannon...what about Ashley

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Reply to: pers-139566517@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 4:10PM CST


What about me, I like it Starbucks style...

Shannon wants you to shut the fuck up!

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Reply to: pers-139644927@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 8:45PM CST

You're fucking annoying!

Re: Shannon wants you to shut the fuck up!

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Reply to: pers-139649815@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 9:03PM CST


Does Shannon often refer to herself in the third person?

SHANNON - i miss fucking you Dungeons & Dragons style - w4w

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Reply to: pers-139682035@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-06, 11:28PM CST


You were always so eager for Bigby's Clenched Fist.

I loved it when you blew my Iron Strap-on Horn of Balagorn (Components: Oral, Range: Personal, Area of Effect/ Target: Colossal, Duration: Instant) and spellcast my Flesh to Stone.

Too bad it didn't work out...

Re: Re: Shannon wants you to shut the fuck up! (OP_

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Reply to: pers-139701904@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 1:43AM CST

Did I say I was Shannon?

"Does Shannon often refer to herself in the third person?"

Re: Re: Shannon wants you to shut the fuck up! (OP_

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Reply to: pers-139741683@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 9:01AM CST


Hey pal, why don't you let Shannon speak for herself. Jackass.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Craigslist flagger style. - m4w - 32 - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139752359@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 9:39AM CST

You were always so eager for the flag.

I loved it when you told me to please flag with care : [miscategorized] [prohibited] [spam] [discussion] [best of]

It's too bad we flagged more than we shagged.

SHANNON - i miss fucking you KROM style.

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Reply to: pers-139771911@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 10:39AM CST


You were always so eager for me to crush my enemies.

I loved it when they were driven before me.

It's too bad i never got to hear the lamentations of their women.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Patriot Act style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139778122@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 10:55AM CST


You were always so eager for the surveillance.

I loved it when you told me to circumvent the Constitution of your vagina.

It's too bad it didn't work out. I'm still watching you though.

Shannon-I miss fucking you "uff da" style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139779473@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 10:59AM CST


You were always so eager for the relish tray.

I loved it when you told me "you betcha!" to poking your polka puss.

It's too bad it didn't work out. Now Prairie Home Companion is my bitch.

Shannon-I miss fucking you trixie style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139780381@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 11:01AM CST

Like, you were always, like so, like, eager for like, the fun. Ya' know?

I loved it like when you like told me to pull your hair.

It's too bad it like didn't work out.

Shannon-I miss fucking you Homeless (or 'Walking') Yanni style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139781645@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 11:05AM CST


You were always so eager for the walking.

I loved it when you told me to pull your feathered and skunk-stripe streaked hair.

It's too bad it didn't work out. Wanna buy a watch?

Shannon-I miss fucking you Humboldt Park style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139786307@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 11:16AM CST


You were always so eager for the gangbanger gangbang.

I loved it when you told me that crazy shit about child support.

It's too bad I don't speak better Spanish.

Shannon-I miss fucking you church sign generator style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139795182@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 11:40AM CST

Oh Shannon!

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Reply to: pers-139813607@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 12:31PM CST


the shannon postings are the freakin' best I've seen here in a long time....

thank you, to whomever is writing them and providing someone with meaning and a much needed laugh--even if they aren't intended for me personally, I still enjoy them.

try one about the domestic abuse charges Yanni now faces...

or better yet, P.L.O. style

Shannon-I miss fucking you existentialist style. - m4w

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Reply to: pers-139820434@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 12:46PM CST


You were always so eager for existence preceding essence.

I loved it when you told me to transcend my ideas, the essence, of making love to you into actually slamming you full-on with my Sartre-stick (existence).

It's too bad you became a Structuralist. It didn't work out by my choice, however, and not because of your dumbass "deterministic forces."

I love Shannon posts

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Reply to: pers-139985282@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 10:07PM CST

Cause my name's Shannon. I think half of these are about me. Especially the one about Dungeons and Dragons.

SHANNON - i miss fuckn'ya RENDITION-STYLE!

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Reply to: pers-139958049@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-07, 8:13PM CST


Ya were always so eager for the Astroglide©.

I loved when ya tol' me "Γεοργε, ικετεύω ότι βιδώνετε τον πρωκτό μου!" as I peremptorily pounded yer perky hershey-hole.

's too bad things didn't work out. Now the Bill of Rights is my bitch.

I don't quite get the last one. But who cares? Part of the fun of these posts was how once you picked a particular style of fucking, the ads wrote themselves.

Ayn Rand on Jesse Jackson

Though not mentioned explicitly in any of my posts, any Ayn Rand admirer can see her implicit influence in who I am through my writing. This morning I was reading a lecture of hers entitled Global Balkanization. This lecture was delivered to the Ford Hall Forum in April, 1977 available in the anthology "The Voice of Reason, Essays in Objectivist Thought" by Ayn Rand. The lecture begins with a question:

"Have you ever wondered about the process of the collapse of a civilization? Not the cause of the collapse--the ultimate cause is always philosophical--but the process, the specific means by which the accumulated knowledge and achievements of centuries vanish from the earth?"

Rand then answers the question and eloquently and concretely supports her answer. The short answer to her "have you ever wondered" question is "modern tribalism."

"If reason is not valid, what is to guide [people] and how are they to live? Obviously, they will seek to join some group--any group--which claims the ability to lead them and to provide some sort of knowledge acquired by some sort of unspecified means. The group people join is an unchosen group, the group into which you were born, the group to which you were predestined to belong by the sovereign omnipotent, omniscient power of your body chemistry."

And god bless Rand, because in the next sentence she clearly defines exactly what modern tribalism is:

"This, of course, is racism. But if your group is small enough, it will not be called "racism": it will be called "ethnicity.""

Paging Mr. Jackson, Mr. Jesse Jackson!

Now I could go on quoting almost the entire lecture, as it has numerous insights focusing issues usually left murky and defining things in thought that others would prefer to be left to "feeling." But let me try to focus my point by applying her ideas on modern tribalism and ethnicity with today's most visible, modern and repulsive example of a subhuman being. Yes ladies and gents, he's an old friend of mine, a subject I've tried to understand and define, it's Reverend Jesse Jackson.

I've dealt with Jesse in previous posts, specifically: "Jesse Jackson: What's He Qualified to Do?", "Jobs for Jesse", and the mock news story "Jesse Jackson Protests Lack of Diversity in One-Man, Home-Based Business." I dealt with Jesse in my usual and most favorite of ways, by lampooning him and using humor to make my points as razor sharp as possible, while smiling the entire time. But while reading Ayn Rand's Global Balkanization, a paragraph jumped out at me as the most accurate description of Jesse Jackson and all the other profiteers of the ethnicity business:

"The government of a mixed economy manufacturers pressure groups--and, specifically, manufactures "ethnicity." The profiteers are those group leaders who discover suddenly that they can exploit the helplessness, the fear, the frustration of their "ethnic" brothers, organize them into a group, present demands to the government--and deliver the vote. The result is political jobs, subsidies, influence and prestige for the leaders of the ethnic groups."

I have never read an author who can focus and define issues so well. Reason is her tool. I've never heard a more accurate description of Jesse Jackson--as a person, an institution and logical result of what happens when illogic is the means to illogical ends.