Guest Column: Hire A Freelance Freelancer!
Freelance Freelance Services
I am a freelancer. I’m the best damn freelancer you’ll ever hire. I offer freelance freelance services. I offer much more and than providing you with a specific service; I offer you the glory of hiring a cool, corporate hipster.
For example, yesterday afternoon I was protesting against George Bush and his imperialist regime. Later that day I became entrenched in a heated debate about technology where I argued that people’s souls were being replaced by a post-industrial revolution techno-god and that a full return to nature was mankind’s—excuse me—human kind’s only hope for salvation. Well, this was yesterday, but guess what I did today? Today I rode the El Train downtown to my office, but stopped by CompUSA on the way to pick up a new compact flash card for my digital camera. Once I got to my office, I started working on a new logo for a modest company that’s trying to sell semiconductors to midsize markets. Isn’t that fucking cool? Because contradictions are just so fuck-ing cool and not to be questioned or reconciled, it is imperative that you hire me.
Come on. Stop by my office and hire me. This week my office will vary between multiple Starbucks locations during the day and Filter Coffeehouse in Wicker Park in the evening (I just might get wacky and go to Caribou Coffee once or twice as well). In my "office," I’ll be the guy taking up a decent amount of physical space at a table and an even greater amount of emotional and mental space around me to make my presence known while pretending that I don’t care if my presence is known or not. I will arrive at the coffeehouse way before most people arrive and remain long after they’ve left. I will look so fucking cool staring into my laptop’s screen, the LCD glow reflecting brilliantly off my expensive but cheap looking glasses, which may or may not contain actual prescription lenses. While staring, if I'm not in "zombie mode," I’ll be alternating my facial expressions between a look of deep concentration to deep introspective reflection to a raised eyebrow and hint of a smile to indicate that I’ve just uncovered and understood some ironic mystery and/or insight (probably about how all the sleeping “sheep” a.k.a. “American public” are narcotized into their zombie-like state by the corporate elite and corporate teat-sucking obsequious bastards that compromise the “government.”
If all of this doesn’t help you find me, look closer: I’m the one who is fully entrenched in his space. The crusty paper coffee cup with dry, brown stains running down the side indicates I’ve been here for awhile nursing this cup of coffee for at least two hours; I’m the one with the notebooks and/or books stacked in front of my laptop, to the side and on the floor around me; I’m the one you’ll know by the way I can stare straight ahead at my laptop’s screen and not move a muscle or twitch for so long that you’ll have the impulse to install a heat lamp above me like I was your pet lizard. All of this will be happening while I’m most likely listening to my iPod. When I snap out of my lizard-like seeming (seeming I tell you!) catatonia, I will then most likely make a phone call on my cell, using the headset of course. Above all, you will notice the super-cool contrast between my manner of dress juxtaposed with all this high-technology that surrounds and is plugged into me. I will look (and perhaps even smell a bit) like a “man of the people,” one ready to engage in some chanting protest (NO BLOOD FOR OIL! DOWN WITH THE BUSH REGIME!) to overthrow this capitalistic system that oppresses the hell out of me.
If after all this you still can’t find me, my favorite drink at Starbucks is a grande, half soy, half skim, extra hot, white chocolate mocha. Mingle. Ask people what they’re drinking. You’ll find me sipping this most yummy of drinks!
I am a freelancer. I’m the best damn freelancer you’ll ever hire. I offer freelance freelance services. I offer much more and than providing you with a specific service; I offer you the glory of hiring a cool, corporate hipster.
For example, yesterday afternoon I was protesting against George Bush and his imperialist regime. Later that day I became entrenched in a heated debate about technology where I argued that people’s souls were being replaced by a post-industrial revolution techno-god and that a full return to nature was mankind’s—excuse me—human kind’s only hope for salvation. Well, this was yesterday, but guess what I did today? Today I rode the El Train downtown to my office, but stopped by CompUSA on the way to pick up a new compact flash card for my digital camera. Once I got to my office, I started working on a new logo for a modest company that’s trying to sell semiconductors to midsize markets. Isn’t that fucking cool? Because contradictions are just so fuck-ing cool and not to be questioned or reconciled, it is imperative that you hire me.
Come on. Stop by my office and hire me. This week my office will vary between multiple Starbucks locations during the day and Filter Coffeehouse in Wicker Park in the evening (I just might get wacky and go to Caribou Coffee once or twice as well). In my "office," I’ll be the guy taking up a decent amount of physical space at a table and an even greater amount of emotional and mental space around me to make my presence known while pretending that I don’t care if my presence is known or not. I will arrive at the coffeehouse way before most people arrive and remain long after they’ve left. I will look so fucking cool staring into my laptop’s screen, the LCD glow reflecting brilliantly off my expensive but cheap looking glasses, which may or may not contain actual prescription lenses. While staring, if I'm not in "zombie mode," I’ll be alternating my facial expressions between a look of deep concentration to deep introspective reflection to a raised eyebrow and hint of a smile to indicate that I’ve just uncovered and understood some ironic mystery and/or insight (probably about how all the sleeping “sheep” a.k.a. “American public” are narcotized into their zombie-like state by the corporate elite and corporate teat-sucking obsequious bastards that compromise the “government.”
If all of this doesn’t help you find me, look closer: I’m the one who is fully entrenched in his space. The crusty paper coffee cup with dry, brown stains running down the side indicates I’ve been here for awhile nursing this cup of coffee for at least two hours; I’m the one with the notebooks and/or books stacked in front of my laptop, to the side and on the floor around me; I’m the one you’ll know by the way I can stare straight ahead at my laptop’s screen and not move a muscle or twitch for so long that you’ll have the impulse to install a heat lamp above me like I was your pet lizard. All of this will be happening while I’m most likely listening to my iPod. When I snap out of my lizard-like seeming (seeming I tell you!) catatonia, I will then most likely make a phone call on my cell, using the headset of course. Above all, you will notice the super-cool contrast between my manner of dress juxtaposed with all this high-technology that surrounds and is plugged into me. I will look (and perhaps even smell a bit) like a “man of the people,” one ready to engage in some chanting protest (NO BLOOD FOR OIL! DOWN WITH THE BUSH REGIME!) to overthrow this capitalistic system that oppresses the hell out of me.
If after all this you still can’t find me, my favorite drink at Starbucks is a grande, half soy, half skim, extra hot, white chocolate mocha. Mingle. Ask people what they’re drinking. You’ll find me sipping this most yummy of drinks!
posted by Rant-N-Roll at 7:04 AM
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