Friday, May 27, 2005

OPEN CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS: Jobs for Jesse

Unemployment Line Jokingly Referred to As full of Rainbow-Push workersJobs for Jesse! After last Monday's post, "Jesse Jackson: What's He Qualified to Do," I have already received many e-mails full of Jesse Jackson employment suggestions. I now want everyone who regularly reads this blog or anyone just passing through to take a moment to reflect on possible jobs for Jesse.

The premise: We live in a world where race is no longer an issue, and therefore a world where Jesse Jackson can no longer earn a living in, well, what it is he currently does.

The jobs: In this harmonious world, what employment could Jesse find? What would he be qualified to do?

E-mail your job ideas to rantnroll@gmail.com. All of your suggestions will be posted in a future blog posting. Please indicate if you wish your name and/or handle to be attached to your entry. Again, as I outlined at the end of the last blog entry on this topic, I also welcome any Photoshopped pictures that illustrate your Jesse job suggestion.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Jesse Jackson: What's He Qualified To Do?

Jesse Jackson, as an individual, is a lot like the herpes disease. Just when one forgets about him, he breaks out of hibernation and causes ugliness and discomfort. I'm not going to go into all of the reasons why I dislike Jesse. Instead, let me simply summarize my views by calling him a fraudulous huckster. Now, if you want to just skip the rest of my long-winded summary and get right to the -->wacky pictures<--, click here.
Jesse was a leader who once showed great promise; today he is a racial ambulance chaser who appears like a magician wherever a story exists that he can exploit. The Terri Schiavo fiasco didn't have enough media leeches sucking on the tragedy teat and inflaming a family's private issue: POOF!--JESSE'S there. A bunch of students, who happened to be black, get into a fight at a Decautur, Illinois football game and are expelled for two years--KAZAAM!--JESSE appears and leads a 5,000 person protest march.

To unsummarize my summary just a bit, I believe Jesse does more harm than good in his efforts to "empower" the black community, namely by promoting a reperations and quota based form of equality. His actions and philosophical premises do no unite the races either. Instead, what he preaches further divides blacks and whites. In fact, it is my belief that Jesse Jackson uses the black community as a shill to empower and "welathify" who is really most in Jesse's activism scope: Jesse Jackson. Anything good achieved for the black community is just an antecedent accident, fallout if you will, of his efforts to achieve more personal riches and power. [See the following Wickipedia article that provides a fair and balanced view of Jesse's successes and controversies, including how he shook down (my opinion) Anheuser Busch. At least two of Jesse's kids got their own brewery out of the deal.] I was discussing this recently with a black woman who agreed to a certain extent with my point of view, but she added that "Jesse Jackson may not be honorable all the time, but he serves a purpose for the black community." I told her that I agree with this statement, but unfortunately Jesse's main purpose is to serve Jesse.

Recently, while watching a news report yesterday detaling the controversy that occurred recently between Jesse and Mexican President Vicente Fox, I started zoning out. Jesse's orations, gesticulations and oral-ejaculatons faded into the background, then thankfully disapearred completely. My mind then went to a wonderful but unfortunately imaginary place, a country and world where racial harmony was no longer an issue because race itself was no longer an issue.

I imagined a world where political parties and government propagandists no longer used race issues to keep blacks and whites at each other's throats; I imagined a world where standards were more objective, where skill and merit were valued and social democrats were no longer playing "social engineer" to keep people dependent on government and mistrustful of "whitey" thereby ensuring a constituent base that continues to vote for social Democrats. Yes, I imagined a world where race still existed but was as divisive as choosing between vanilla or chocolate ice cream; I imagined a world where race was unnoticable on the same level that Jay Leno is annoying. This fantasy land was a nice place to visit, but staying firmly planted in this land of hazy reverie was difficult. My mental focus slowly returned to the solid realities of reality.

And then it hit me.

What could Jesse Jackson do in a world like this? Then, turning this situation over in my mind a few times, I thought what could Jesse Jackson do in world chock-full of equality and free of racial derision? What exactly would he be qualified to do? With the racial disenfranchisment franchise gone and the gravy-train derailed, what kind of gainful employment could Jesse undertake?

My answer: Not much. But of course I mused further on the subject and now present to you the following examples of Jobs that I believe the Honorable Jesse Jackson would be qualified for:

JESSE'S JOBS

1. Wal-Mart Greeter
Jesse Jackson as a Wal-Mart Greeter
I concede that Jesse does have some mad people skills. His interpersonal communication style will make every person who enters the store feel like an honored guest, not to mention give them the feeling that Jackson knows each customer personally.


2. Construction Flagger
Jesse Jackson as a Construction Flagger
Stop. Go. Slow down. Definately an adequate form of employment for someone of his skill set.

3. Dunk Tank Worker
Jesse Jackson as a Dunk Tank Worker
Finally, Jesse will bring smiles to the faces of anyone with balls. To throw, that is.


4. Blood Donor
Jesse Jackson as a Blood Donor
Jesse can help his fellow man, and get a couple of bucks in the process.


5. Mannequin
Jesse Jackson as a Mannequin
This is a role where Jesse could do the most good: Standing still and shutting the hell up.

6. Scarecrow
Jesse Jackson as a Scarecrow
He could scare all the crows away easily by reciting his 1996 speech to the Democratic National Convention

7. Fellator
Jesse Jackson Sucking It
Finally, Jesse can return the same favor that he asked of so many corporations and organizations.

This is only a sampling of the many ideas that popped into my head as to what jobs Jesse Jackson would be qualifed for if he could no longer work in his currently lucrative "community leader/activist" role (just how much does a community leader/activist get paid these days? Hello! IRS!). I actually had to cross many jobs off my original list. Many of them simply required too many specialized skills and specialized knowledge, like "Starbucks Barista" and "Meter Maid."

Because weeding through vocations that Jesse would be skilled enough to perform was tough, I don't feel like I'm done with this project. This is where you come in: I now put out an official OPEN CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS of job ideas that you believe Jesse Jackson would be qualified for in a racially harmonious world. E-mail me at rantnroll@gmail.com with the subject heading "Jesse's Jobs." E-mail me a job suggestion for Jesse with or without further elaboration and/or justification. Or if you're feeling particularly ambitious, feel free to e-mail your own Photoshop creation of Jesse working at your job suggestion. All entries will be posted right here in a future blog entry. Please note that when thinking of jobs for Jesse, the scenerio assumes that Jesse is powerless to create new racial issues and problems. Just assume that society has advanced beyond Jesse Jackson's ability to fuck it up. Help me beat this dead horse a little more. E-mail me your submissions!


Jesse Jackson Wants More Money

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Young Richard Gere

It's a picture of a little boy holding a ferret.  Now that's some funny shit, isn't it?  I mean, wow, a reference to the urban legend of a rumor that said actor like to stick furry gerbils up his bum.  Hilarity at its finest here.

Guest Column: A "My Pet Monster" Doll Speaks

I ran into a sad figure in a trashy bar last night. I was hesitant about approaching him for an interview. After offering a couple of shots of whiskey, he finally opened up to me. I thought it would be best to let him tell his story in his own words. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a guest colum from a My Pet Monster doll.

I know many of you remember me. I'm a "My Pet Monster." Some of you had me when you were kids. You loved me, hugged me and said you would never let me go.

Hah! Now look at me--boozing it up in a bar, reliving my glory days through tired old stories with other 1980's fad-doll has-beens. Oh yeah, there's more of us. You're lucky you're not in the bar on a night when Strawberry Shortcake shows up. That once cutesy, loveable doll is now one bitchy, boozing broad. Strawberry Shortcake. . . more
like double Strawberry Dacqueri now.

Remember the "My Buddy" doll? Heh. Playskool thought they could market a doll to boys. They thought My Buddy would catch on like those ugly Cabbage Patch Kids. Well I regret to inform you that My Buddy is now shacking up with Rainbow Brite. That once cute as a button doll now has long stringy hair, perpetual ten day old stubble and more track-marks running up and down his arms than freckles on his formerly cute face. Worst of all, he always smells like White Castle hamburgers. The police are called to his and Rainbow's place at least twice a month to break up their fights. The only thing keeping those two winners together these days is their horrible, cute little coke habit. All that remains of My Buddy's legacy is that fucking annoying jingle that still gets stuck in the heads of many children of the eighties. You know the song from the commercial, 'My Buddy, My Buddy, wherever he goes, I go. . ."

And then you got me. I was never a cutesy doll. I was made ugly on purpose, and that was my charm. I was so fricken ugly that I was loveable. My time in the spotlight lasted less than fifteen mintues. One day riding high, the next day I'm marked fifty cents in a suburban garage sale.

At that garage sale I was bought by a sick fuck stoner. I became a trip toy for him and all his hippie friends. You know what they named me? One night while they were all high in my new owner's bedroom (the little shit was twenty-two years old and still lived with his parents) a rank patchouli oil laden bimbo called me "Señior Scrotum Balls." Do you believe that shit? Do I look Mexican to you? Well, the name stuck, and I only wish that was the worst of it. After many bong hits and chugs from cheap beer, they made me dance to Pink Floyd songs, sodomized me and made me engage in sexual activity with an unwilling house cat.

As you can see, I got away from the stoners. I'm my own man now. Being "my own man" consists of sitting on this stool and trying to fill the bottomless pit inside me with as much whiskey I can get my stubby hands on. I'm trying to fill the pit that used to house my soul.

Well, it's about time I shuffled on home, the alley behind this bar. Before I go, let me leave you one bit of advice: Never get involved with someone whose main attraction to you is your cuteness. Even if your beauty doesn't fade, your appeal eventually will. The only thing that hasn't faded for me as I grow older and more bitter is my love for Jack Daniels, goddammit. I see life as tolerable, sometimes even beautiful, only throgh the haze from the whiskey fumes wafting out of my mouth and nose.

And don't any of you give me the "Oh look, it's a My Pet Monster!" and "How cute!" when you see me walking down the street. Unless of course you want to buy me a shot or ten of whiskey. It's the least you can do for a washed-up, disenfranchised victim of the 1980's like me. And Tina Yothers too.

Thank you.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Scooter Cops Kick Ass!

Don't you just love it when a cop piloting one of those three of four wheel "scooter" type ATV's pulls someone over? Especially funny was a scene I witnessed yesterday.

A mongo SUV speeds down State Street. Its engine growls a warrior's cry, as it slices through the air and ejaculates fumes in its wake.

The SUV blurs past Lake Street. But wait! Sipping a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee and looking as swarthy and immobile as an old-school union worker is: SCOOTER COP! Pissed that he has to move, he hops onto his parked three-wheeler without spilling a drop of his precious coffee. Bam! He punches the button that starts the scooter engine.

Vrooooom! Goes the SUV. Chug-Chug-Meep-Meep! goes the scooter. How can this tiny scooter possibly capture the SUV? It's simple really. This scooter also has flashing lights, a siren and a loudspeaker.

"YOU, IN THE SUV. PULL OVER, NOW!" says scooter cop over his loudspeaker.

The scene now: A huge SUV sits next to the curb; A tiny scooter is right behind the SUV, it's front wheel almost touching the SUV's back bumper. The driver of the SUV looks dejected. The Scooter Cop struts up to the SUV like a proud lion lording over its fresh kill. It's humiliating, really, to see this. Seeing this scooter wrangle this SUV into submission was akin to seeing a Chiuaua rape a Saint Bernard.

But then this got me to thinking about power in general. Power is a lot like money. Sure, a great deal of power is derived from money, but currency is like power in that for it to have meaning, enough people have to agree that it's true. How else can I hand over a green piece of paper to a complete stranger and get a cup of coffee in return? How else can a fat man on a scooter force a powerful SUV over to the side of the road? Enough people agree that the green piece of paper has value and enough people agree that the man on the scooter has the power to pull over the SUV. I know this is simplistic, and I'm certainly not arguing that Scooter Cop shouldn't have had the power to pull over the SUV.

Though this isn't a perfect society, I'm thankful everyday we do not live in a tribal society where "right" is determined simply by who has the biggest club. Or largest SUV. Most dictatorships derive their power by threat of or through actual physical force, and I am thankful that this is not the ideal in this country. I say "thank you" for doing your job, Scooter Cop. I am also very thankful that "power" (ideally) in this country has its checks and balances and is often derived from the consensus of individuals.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

The Epic Attack on Providence

This is an epic story about poop that I strongly encourage you to read. On August 27, 2004, an anonymous person posted the following message on the Rants and Raves board of Chicago's Craigslist:

People of CHICAGO, please HELP me ???!!!


>Reply to: anon-40651219@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 8:38AM CDT


Look, the Providence Rants and Raves board has some issues. They are a bunch of cry babies. Please do me a favor and go to that board and post some nonsense. Post about poop, dildos, butt plugs, etc.

Seriously, Help me out here. These people are so clueless and thin-skinned. Please go post about diarrhea and tampons. Seriously, help me out. These assholes also hate the midwest.

Thanks.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



While it may be true that the "won't you please help a starving child" ads on TV barely inspire a single sympathetic emotion in me anymore, there was something about this post--its tone, its innocence, its simple plea for help from fellow human beings--that made me want to help. Yes, all this made me want to help, along with the fact that I'm a sucker for potty humor. Sure, I can read a New Yorker cartoon and chuckle, but my comedy tastes range from knuckle-dragging low brow to chicanery so high on the brow that Dennis Miller would be scrambling to look up the obscure references. But I'm not here to defend my love for poop. I'm here to tell the story of how anonymous people banded together around the cause of poop humor. By the time we were finished, Providence's Rants & Raves Board became known as "Poopidence" around Craigslist. It was glorious.

From this first clarion call, a wonderfully juvenile post on Chicago's Rants and Raves board, the frenzy of poop humor that followed was absolutely amazing. I will let the story speak for itself, with minimal interruption by your narrator. One caution though: Those who may be easily offended, I warn you to stop reading now. Some of the posts shocked even me, and I'm the guy who Photoshopped a penis onto the Yahoo e-mail login woman's head. What follows are actual posts that began appearing on Providence's Rants and Raves board. The first reply is mine, highlighted in red (I contributed more posts than this one, and kudos go out to you if you cna guess which ones). After rereading these messages, I was almost crying with laughter, and I thank God that I was there to record it. Grab your favorite drink. Get comfortable. Make sure you're not wearing restrictive clothing. I now present to you the historic and epic event of how Providence became Poopidence.



I was the first to reply to the call for help. I informed the original poster of my actions,

Re: People of Chicago, Please help me!


Reply to: anon-40654917@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 9:18AM CDT


Mission accomplished: http://providence.craigslist.org/rnr/40654428.html


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


where I provided the link to the following (I tried to test Providence's sensitivity level with the following sexual post):

The Love of My Life and A Birthday Present


Reply to: anon-40654428@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 10:14AM EDT


I have a real problem. I am completely in love with this woman, so head over heels that sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I seriously can not remember every being in this love before. Normally I am a confident person with a good sense of self esteem, but now I constantly feel lacking, that I'm "falling short" in being able to make this woman happy.

I know this is probably just insecurity based on finally feeling like I have a great deal to lose this time. And now, I'm trying to think of the perfect birthday gift to buy her.

Her tastes are eclectic, but she is a woman who does own practically everything. I started thinking about her likes, dislikes and hobbies, and I've *finally* narrowed the gift down to one area: Sex Toys.

This girl can take dildos like a pincushion takes pins. In fact, in the first week we dated, we played actually played a game called "pincushion." That's where she crawls on all fours over to me with a dildo jutting out of her ass, pussy and mouth. For good measure, she even had a strap on fastened to the back of her head. Battery operated, ones that run on DC current, things called "butterflies," "The Anal Intruder"--this girl has EVERYTHING. So, I guess I'm asking if anyone out there knows of a unique, interesting sex toy that will blow her mind (not to mention her wide, gaping utereus).

If it will help, just scanning her sex toy collection, I notice that she already has a large assortment of double pronged dildos for simultaneous vaginal/anal stimulation. I want to take her to a whole new level. I want to make that chewed-up piece of bubblegum she calls a clitoris feel pleasure she didn't know existed. Does anyone have any ideas?

Thanks!


re: The Love of My Life and A Birthday Present


Reply to: anon-40930527@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-30, 11:33AM EDT


You want a sex toy unlike another?

Are you really this simple?

I didn't hear you mention she had a sybian. Get her one of those. If you never want her to leave you, just buy one for yourself and let her use it. Not a CHANCE she'll bail on your ass. Tell her as long as she keeps you happy she can use it. Heh.

this is in or around Clueville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests




re: The Love of My Life and A Birthday Present


Reply to: anon-40930933@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-30, 11:40AM EDT


> If it will help, just scanning her sex toy collection, I notice that she already has a large assortment of double pronged dildos for simultaneous
> vaginal/anal stimulation. I want to take her to a whole new level. I want to make that chewed-up piece of bubblegum she calls a clitoris feel pleasure she
> didn't know existed. Does anyone have any ideas?

She sounds like a fun gal.

If she doesn't have one already, get her a glass toy. It's a whole different experience from the rubber/plastic stuff.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40930933




This came from the Chicago Board:

Re: People of Chicago, please help...


Reply to: anon-40662100@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 10:21AM CDT


This is awesome:

http://providence.craigslist.org/rnr/40654428.html

"I want to make that chewed-up piece of bubblegum she calls a clitoris feel pleasure she didn't know existed"

That coupled with the visual of a woman on all fours with a strap on fastened to the back of her head gave me a great laugh. Keep'em comin!

Providence CL a bunch of pussies!!!


Reply to: anon-40649387@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 9:13AM EDT


You guys and gals are a bunch of pussies. You're crying about some guy posting about shit and dicks?

Get real. This crap happens on CL boards of real cities all the time, every day.

Maybe if you all weren't a bunch of babies this board would actually be some fun.

Grow some skin and grow up.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

woo hoo


Reply to: anon-40570869@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-26, 1:48PM EDT


lots of action on this board today! my fingers hurt from hitting the refresh button.


this is in or around ur anus
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40570869

re: Woo Hoo


Reply to: anon-40597319@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-26, 5:35PM EDT


Your fingers hurt from shoving them up your hairy, smelly, diarrhea stained dirt-star.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
lots of action on this board today! my fingers hurt from hitting the refresh button.



it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

re: re: Woo Hoo


Reply to: anon-40600954@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-26, 5:53PM EDT


Which one of you idiot is more immature? Why don't you have a contest to see who is the biggest wanker. But do us all a favor and do it on Craig's list Cranston.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40600954

re: re: re: Woo Hoo


Reply to: anon-40603748@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-26, 6:24PM EDT


I'd like to jerk my wanker off and spray my jizz all over your face!

Then I'd ask you to hold a piece of plastic wrap about a foot over your face while your laying down. I'd push out a big, brown, smelly log of shit on the plastic wrap so you could watch it steam!!! LOL

Suck on my asshole and eat my diarrhea!!!! LOL


I want to fuck your asshole!!! I don't care if you're a woman or man!!! I don't care if it's hairy or bald!!! I'll stick my cock in it and then pull it out and look at your stinky poop all over my hard dick!!! Then I'll slap it off your face and make penis-shaped shit prints on your face!!!!

Woooo Hoooo!!!!!!!

LOL


Yikes!!


Reply to: anon-40683943@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 12:58PM CDT


I just checked out Providence RnR. 'Oly Wah! That's some crazy stuff. That board is definately lacking some feminine influence. If you know ladies in RI, tell them to get on that board and whip those boys into shape. They're de-humanizing themselves.

A guy's perspective. Can you imagine what kind of nasty, violent, indescribable hell this world would be without women in it. And I mean if the women were suddenly all taken away, not what it would be like if they had never existed. The final generation of men, the death rattle of the human race would implode mentally and tear itself to shreds. It's a scary thought.

I don't think I got enough sleep last night.



The poopfest now in full swing, this poor lady tries to go off topic and ask for boyfriend advice:

My Inexperienced BF


Reply to: anon-40582978@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-26, 3:22PM EDT


I am by no means and idiot. You are not in my situation, but I guess we all judge. If you want to offer advice, please do. And I never mentioned "Life experiences". I actually wrote "experiences". Maybe I should have been more specific and said "sexual experinces". We are both aware that life is full of many experience- must I get ino this?

I have considered all possibilities. We do have a kinky relationship when we want. I've met him in hotels, I've dressed slutty, do the thigh-highs & heels thing, the school girl thing. I get into it too. We are very open in that sense. He doesn’t want a threesome.

The issue still goes back to him never being with another women before me. He wants to get married, I believe him. I am also understanding of his circumstances and the feelings he is having. Though everyone else may not. He also understands my feelings and the possible outcomes. He knows that if he decides to do this, that I will not sit back and only twiddle my fingers (literally). We "took a break" a year ago, he didn't date, I did. The break was for him...

Thank you for everyone's advice!


this is in or around Here on Earth
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Re: Inexperienced Boyfriend


Reply to: anon-40625288@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-26, 10:52PM EDT


You stupid, filthy, smelly whore!!!! Lick my asshole!!! Suck my fuzzy scrotum!!

You want my mother to spray diarrhea on your boyfriend's chest? Maybe my mommy can pinch a loaf on your boyfriend's face? How's that for experience.

My mother's shit really stinks too, so it will be a good experience for him. Then you can poop on his face for the rest of your pathetic life and he won't mind the stench of your hairy asshole or sloppy pussy because my mommy's ass and cunt smell like the Long Island Sound at low tide.

Or, maybe my daddy can take one of his Sunday morning dumps on your boyfriend,s ugly face. Man, the old man can really stink a place up. He'd bring the freakin' Sunday paper into the shitter with him. The paper would smell like my dad's asshole for the rest of the day. I'd open the sports page and it was like changing the diaper of a baby after it ate it's first steak.

Seriously, tell me. Is your boyfriend an experienced shitter? Does the bathroom stink after he drops the kids off at the pool on Sunday morning? Does the stench of his Finless Brown Trout turn you on? Does it make your pussy wet and smelly? You little tramp, admit it!!!! Your stinky box gets wet when your boyfriend takes a big shit!!!

I hope your boyfriend bangs some slut and then dumps your pathetic ass!!

Then you can go back to visiting public bathrooms and hittin' the old speedbag while you sniff the feces aroma in the air!!!! Yeah, you do hit the speedbag while you sniff ass odor don't you??? You diddle that fat clit??? You fucking swine!! I'll shit down your throat!!!!!!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

re: re: Woo Hoo


Reply to: anon-40645178@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 7:13AM EDT


It shouldn't be hard to figure out. There are only three people posting here. Two with brains and one with shit for brains. Guess which one he is?

Just took a GREEN shit.


Reply to: anon-40658606@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 10:51AM EDT


Im on this new kind of medicine for blood pressure. I started taking it days ago and now Im taking GREEN poops. Is this normal? They still smell normal.


this is in or around what the hell?
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


re: the greenies


Reply to: anon-40662615@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 11:25AM EDT


the only way to tell if the fecal matter is not contaminated is to do a "manual excavation" through it. look for leafy matter, excess mucus, etc. unaffected doo-doo should have a pleasent, doo-doo odor.


this is in or around chi-town
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40662615

re: WHOO HOO


Reply to: anon-40667723@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 12:02PM EDT


If the person posting WHOO HOO is Christine, PLEASE EMAIL ME


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40667723

Re: WHOO HOO


Reply to: anon-40674379@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 12:48PM EDT


If the person posting WHOO HOO is Christine, PLEASE EMAIL ME

If the person asking if the person posting WHOO HOO is Christine, PLEASE LICK MY BALLS.

pretty please?

re: re: re: WHOO HOO


Reply to: anon-40677904@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 1:14PM EDT


Yes, it's me, Christine.

Why do you want me to email you?


Because Christine, you were my most favorite car--EVER! I don't care if you slowly possessed me, turning me into a mad man. I don't even care that you tried to kill my girfriend. I know you were just jealous. The way you handled those punks who were screwing with me (running them over, etc.) really showed me how much you cared.

Please roll your wheels on home. I'll give you a good polish, we'll go cruising down the highway, and I promise nothing will ever come between us again.

--Arnie.



it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40677904


Re:re;re;re;re;re;re;re;re;re: re: re: WHOO HOO


Reply to: anon-40686043@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 2:15PM EDT


Sweet Mother Of God. You two get a fucking room or something.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40686043

Re: Just took a GREEN Shit


Reply to: anon-40695718@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 3:33PM EDT


um, you're getting your salad tossed by someone who drinks red wine with too many tannins in it? or, you have mercury poisoning from all that shit ass east coast fish you eat.

cheers


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


EXPLOSIVE!


Reply to: anon-40859330@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-29, 3:22PM EDT


Wow. I drank about 10 beers on Friday night. Saturday I ate a huge, great dinner.

Well, this morning, after my coffee and a cigarrette, I had a massive diarrhea attack. One of the more explosive episodes of recent memory.

The second I sat down on the bowl it just blew out of my asshole. The water, and pieces of feces, splattered all over my ass cheeks. It felt so damn good.

The underside of the toilet seat looked like it had been through a war. It was covered with spattered poop.

Unreal.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40859330

695718

Re: EXPLOSIVE!


Reply to: anon-40872627@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-29, 6:02PM EDT


Do you feel better? Usually that type strikes again. Watch out!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40872627

POLL for the day!


Reply to: anon-40951879@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-30, 2:01PM EDT


Did you take a shit today?

Was it rock solid, medium or runny?

Approximately how may wipes did it take to clean your asshole?


(Please reference age and sex).

RE: Poll


Reply to: anon-40962477@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-30, 3:18PM EDT


Whats with you? All you talk about is shit, the act of shitting and pretty much anything that involves shit. Are you 11? do you work for sanitation management? you need help. I can shit on you if you'd like.


this is in or around uranus
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40962477

Fish Species of Narragansett Bay


Reply to: anon-40971327@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-30, 4:26PM EDT


Finless Brown Trout

Yellow Speckled Corn Pout

Wrinkle Backed Brown Trout

Coney Island White Fish


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40971327

The board took a turn for the better here---Posts about moving to providence, the homeless teacher’s strikes, teacher’s healthcare. . .then)

re: LEARN SOMETHING MORE THAN HOW TO TAKE A DUMP


Reply to: anon-41203452@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-01, 5:58PM EDT


Yeahhhhhhhhhhh,

More poop talk!



This poor bastard tries to talk about service cuts in public transit:

41203452

RIPTA Service Cuts


Reply to: anon-41353611@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-03, 9:03AM EDT


Today and on Tuesday we have a chance to speak out against the RIPTA service cuts. Today in Narragansett and on Tuesday in Providence. Let them know what a bad idea it is. RIPTA should be expanding not getting smaller! Federal Highway money and other sources needs to be tapped. RIPTA management needs more creative and progressive thinking. Rhode Island has an opportunity that so many other place don't. We are a small area with a dense population. We could serve as a model for Mass Transit!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Re: RIPTA Service Cuts


Reply to: anon-41842677@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 4:17PM EDT


What we really need in Rhode Island is a better mass-transit system for poop. Do you know how many times I have to flush the toilet to send one of the Marines out to sea?

Yes, we need a new RIPTA: Rhode Island Poop Transit Authority. Small area with large population density = my shitter overflows. Don't even let me talk about what happens after I eat a McGriddle breakfast at McDonald's.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41842677


Anyone take a shit today?


Reply to: anon-41397326@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-03, 3:51PM EDT


I have not.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41397326

Re: Anyone take a shit today?


Reply to: anon-41415607@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-03, 7:04PM EDT


Yeah, I had a nice steak last night with mashed potatoes and a salad.
I had myself a real loose explosive dump this morning. It was very refreshing!


this is in or around Crapworld
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Question:


Reply to: anon-41674135@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-07, 9:16AM EDT


Why does some poop float and some poop sink?


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41674135

Floating stools


Reply to: anon-41675346@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-07, 9:32AM EDT


Dude, if your stools be floatin', you better get to da doctor!

My shit today was smooth and red, thanks to the eggplant parm I ate last night. There were lots of little crumbs, too. Now it's kind of burning. My asshole feels very itchy. I have rectal itch.


this is in or around Providence
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41675346

RE: Question


Reply to: anon-41690566@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-07, 11:47AM EDT


I think it has something to do with the force/speed that it comes out of your ass.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41690566

Question: Answer


Reply to: anon-41693316@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-07, 1:35PM EDT


Some poops float and some don't based on the chemical composition of your poop; i.e foods you eat. I'm not sure on which vitamens and minerals make a poop float vs. sink but I think meat eaters tend to have more poops that float. It has nothing to do with how fast they come out of your ass.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Another poor bastard tried to get honest help in using AIM at work. The response?

re: AIM blocked at work, need a proxy server


Reply to: anon-41680260@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-07, 10:25AM EDT


Shove a tampon up your ass.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41680260

Cucumber Seeds!


Reply to: anon-41769536@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-07, 11:03PM EDT


I took a shit today. When I was wiping my bunghole I looked at the toilet paper and there were cucumber seeds stuck to it!!! I had cucumbers the night before. I saw the seens mixed in with my shit on the toilet paper!!!

And no, I did not shove a cucumber up my ass!!!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41769536

re: fecal matter in general


Reply to: anon-41770677@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-07, 11:21PM EDT



What is wrong with you humpbacked fucks that keep bringing up shit? You're tossing monkey-crap around as if it was going out of style. This is an outrage; I came to providence.craiglist.org to read about the beached whale in the erotic section of this website, and what do I get? You people should be asshamed! I want to read about big giant asses in the greater Providence area, not about the supposed bigass dumps swirling about the bottom of your toilet bowl after your fifth trip to the Cactus Grille!

I'm not reading this shit no more!


this is in or around providence.craiglist.org
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41770677

My shit today


Reply to: anon-41790039@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 8:40AM EDT


I had an interesting shit today. It was somewhat black with tons of corn in it. Last night I ate chili. What was even more beautiful is that I shit on top of a bunch of bloody toilet paper left by my menstrating gf! It was a work of ART!


this is in or around RI
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41790039

shit on top of a bunch of bloody toilet paper


Reply to: anon-41792319@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 9:22AM EDT


LOL!

I'm going to puke!!!!


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41792319

Scat and Providence


Reply to: anon-41805083@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 11:38AM EDT


What is up with all the scat posts? Is everyone in Providence that juvenile? Or is this board populated by fourth graders.


this is in or around study hall
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41805083

The Poop on Depetro


Reply to: anon-41818098@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 1:09PM EDT


I just had a diarrhea attack and has to flush 5 times to get rid of all that nasty "john depetro" which was clinging to the bowl! I'll never eat at Conti's again!

And is that Mario Haliaro on NewsChannel 10 gay or what?




this is in or around Local AM Radio Commode
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Reply to: anon-41832518@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 2:54PM EDT


That felt good! I just took a massive shit. It actually came out in a bunch of mini-poops! It felt good though!

The only downer was that the last guy who dropped the kids off at the pool in my office skidded up the bowl. It looked like the Jersey Turnpike in my toilet!!! Damn, can't you flush twice?


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41832518


I made a log cabin


Reply to: anon-41841432@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 4:09PM EDT


out of my shit! Seriously, I think I just recreated an original set of Lincoln Logs in the toilet, because I shat two successive long turds that connected to each other at an angle--just like my much loved Lincoln Log set of yore.

I took pictures if anyone wants to see. I hav get back in there and play "hurricane Francis," and flush that cabin off the Florida coastline.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Condom Wrappers


Reply to: anon-41843313@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 4:22PM EDT


I know I got very drunk last night. . .and I have a vague memory of the sex with with this woman I barely knew being very freaky and intense--porno style sex that I thought only happens in pornos. . .but what's with the condom wrappers in my shit?

No, they weren't just floating in the toilet. They're embedded in my shit, like a fossil in a rock.

Wow. It must have been an even better night than I thought. I just wish I could remember all of it.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Log Cabin


Reply to: anon-41844063@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 4:28PM EDT


That is great! I'd love to see a photo of your feces!! Can you email it to me?

You should submit it to the following website:

http://www.ratemypoo.com


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41844063


Shit guy


Reply to: anon-41878312@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 10:28PM EDT


Shut the fuck up! Who cares about you let alone your bodily functions. You aren't funny or interesting. You're infantile and undeveloped. Sad you have nothing better to do than post such drivel. Maybe you could try thinking?


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41878312

Re: Shit guy


Reply to: anon-41900058@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 8:04AM EDT


Thanks for giving him the attention he so badly craves. Now we're guaranteed another day of this 'shit'.

Fucking asshat.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41900058


My shit today


Reply to: anon-41900686@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 8:28AM EDT


Today my shit was a yellowish brown and it broke into little pieces mid-flight. It sort of looked like the space shuttle that burned up, but imagine a brown, very long space shuttle. After my first big log, the rest came out in spurts, like a hail of watery gunfire. I watched it spin in the john for a little while, in awe of its brown beauty.

Maybe tomorrow I'll take a digital pic and post it. I'll need instructions on how to do that. Everyone! Post your shit pics!!!


this is in or around RI
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


4190068632

[Howard Dean, Moving back in the bus]


Shit GuyS


Reply to: anon-41906814@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 10:14AM EDT


Trust me people, there is more than one shit guy on this site.

Yes, I post about my watery diarrhea once in a while, but I did not make the Log Cabin shit post or the Space Shuttle shit post.

I have to tip my hat to the person who submitted the above referenced shit posts. This guy is creative. He sees art in shit, which is amazing. I generally just post about the pungent odor and texture of the brown stuff that I blast out of my balloon-knot. However, this person has taught me to look beyond the smell and texture. He has taught me that a chunk of poop can represent many things: Space Shuttles, Log Cabins, etc.

So, last night I had a blast of runny poop and I looked in the toilet and studied it. It took me a while, but I finally figured out what it represented: My mother's Ratatouille. I could visualize the zucchinni, eggplant, and onions floating in the pot. Apparently I didn't completely digest the salad I had for lunch. The small chunks of salad floating on top of the water reminded me of the basil, oregano and bay leaves floating on top of this excellent summer dish.



it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41906814


re: Shit Guy


Reply to: anon-41903279@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 9:25AM EDT


> Thanks for giving him the attention he so badly craves. Now we're guaranteed another day of this 'shit

O NO MAN1!!1!!! OMG I HAET R3ADNG ABOUT THIS GUY POPNG HIS PANTS AND SHITNG AL OVER DA PLAEC!!1! WTF I CUDNT AGRE MORE W3 HAEV 2 PRAVANT THIS TYPE OF THNG FROM HAPENNG AND MUSTNT ENCOURAEG TEH DUMBFUKS TAHT LIEV H3R3
!1!1!1 OMG WTF LOL


this is in or around Oh No-sville
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alaska R&R


Reply to: anon-41916609@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 11:40AM EDT


ok people, when your CL site was new there were plenty of people from other cities posting on it to help you out, just till you got the hang of what rants&raves was about.

now its your turn to help.

the Anchorage CL is up and running and DAMN it sucks. they had two posts yesterday. no im serious, two fucking posts. all day.

go help those poor bastards get the party started.


this is in or around craigslist in anchorage
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41916609


re: Alaska R&R


Reply to: anon-41919920@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 12:06PM EDT


We can barely get two posts here without a shit reference. Maybe we could get some help from Alaskans. Do they really want the drivel that passes for R&R in Providence in Alaska? Do we want Alaska to know how stupid we are?


this is in or around Providence
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41919920


Help from Alaska


Reply to: anon-41937549@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 2:15PM EDT


Hello Providence!

Although the Alaska board isn't hopping all that much, I'm very happy we are finally a Craigslist city. I used to live in the coastal U.S., and I've been missing having this great forum at my fingertips.

I see things have been fairly active around here, and no, I don't think people in your city are "stupid" based on the fecal posts. Since I am an engineer currently working on retooling and refurbishing sections of the Trans Alaska Pipeline System, I actually think I can help in the discussions that have been flung around your board.

What is the human colon but the end of a long pipeline? The Alaskan Pipeline gets clogged and sometimes it's full of muck, just like the human intestines. The Alaskan Pipeline is 800 miles long. The length of the entire human intestine is 6 to 8.5 meters long. Relatively speaking, that's a long way for gunk to travel in either the pipeline or the intestine! I also like to think of the computer term, GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out. If we put crap in the pipeline, the oil would turn to shit. If you put crap in your body, then your shit gets shitter. Then, you run the risk of clogging up the pipelines in your home.

Take my Alaskan friend Pakak for example ("Pakak" is Inupiat for 'one that gets into everything'). One drunken night at the lodge, he bet me that he could eat an entire moose head, antlers and all. Well, I'm not proud, but bets were made, odds were drawn up, and let's just say that I don't know who I felt more sorry for the next day: Pakak or his toilet bowl.

I treat the pipeline good, and it flows good. Treat yourself good, and your poopy will slide out easier than a prostitute's tampon. This I guarantee.

Thanks for the welcome to Craigslist everybody. I'm going to go sit on the pot now, read a book and think about the good people of Providence.

Best Regards,


Captain Stillman (Ret.)


It's finally revealed to the Providence Rants and Raves board users exactly what is going on and why:

Re: Shit Guy (The TRUTH about the shit posts at the end)


Reply to: anon-41932894@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 1:42PM EDT


Shut the fuck up!
No.

Who cares about you let alone your bodily functions.
Lots of people care about me, and because of this they also care about my bodily functions. Aside from my proctologist (that's an ass doctor, by the way), I have many fond memories discussing various shits with my loved ones. Why just the other night, my fiancee and I were sitting on the patio, drinking wine and discussing that time I sprayed the entire bowl with a thin layer of watery poop after eating some bad gumbo.

You aren't funny or interesting.
I'll agree with this statement--from your perspective, that is.

You're infantile and undeveloped.
There's a paradox here, because I've spent years and a lot of time rigorously devoloping my infantile mind.

Sad you have nothing better to do than post such drivel. Maybe you could try thinking?
Oh, but I do think. True, a lot of my thinking has been focused on shit, poopie, diarrhea, hershey squirts, butt burritos, pinching the loaf, spackling the crack, downloading some brownware, drilling for mudbunnies, putting fruit in the bowl, releasing my payload, sinking the Bismark--oh, you get the picture. I really am thinking; however, I probably do not think about the same things as you (Poop, Philosophy and where to get a great bran muffin have occupied my thoughts as of late). Just because I like to think and talk about all things shitty, that does not mean I don't think, nor does it mean I am not intelligent, which is what I think you were trying to say.

And for the first words of your reply to begin with, "Shut the fuck up," well, that shows you certainly do a lot of thinking, unlike me, because you are so adept at expressing yourself.

And now, I'll let all the Providence RnR's in on what's behind the string of shit postings (ewww, that was a neat visual: String of Shit! Like sausage links, only turdy). Truthfully, someone was going around to the other CL boards and asking people to post disgusting things on the Providence board. The original call for help I came across is here: http://chicago.craigslist.org/rnr/40651219.html. Well, I and others it seems, checked out the Providence RnR board, and started having some fun. I think a lot of people out there "got the joke," but to see so many people band together with poop postings, etc. has made me almost literally shit myself many times in laughter.

So lets bring the shit and poop out into the light. I swear by the corn in my shit, that let's not be afraid of this "drivel" (you like to use that word, don't you?).

I want to hear all about the best and worst shits of your life! Take Care!




Hey Providence!


Reply to: anon-41951552@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 4:07PM EDT


Welcome to CL!

Anyone else want to post the details of their daily anal explosion?

We want to hear about it!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41951552

What's the strangest thing you've ever seen in your poop?


Reply to: anon-41953100@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 4:20PM EDT


Corn?

Peanuts?

Those are obvious.

What other strange things have you seen in your crap or on your toilet paper after you wipe your anus?


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


what a waste


Reply to: anon-41955017@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 4:36PM EDT


just a vacant waste land


this is in or around nowhere
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41955017

re: just a vacant waste land


Reply to: anon-41956647@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 4:50PM EDT


Yeah, just like my intestines and asshole after I take a massive shit! A vacant waste land!!!!

LOL

CUM ON MY FACE!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41956647

LOL POOP LOL DIARRHEA LOL BLOODY TAMPON LOL


Reply to: anon-41958909@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 5:08PM EDT


http://boston.craigslist.org/rnr/41955312.html


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41958909

Providence R&R


Reply to: anon-41955312@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 4:38PM EDT


What a waste of time the Providence R&R is all shit posts. More proof that it is a true toilet down there.


this is in or around Lametown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

RE: What's the strangest thing you've ever seen in your poop?


Reply to: anon-41960304@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 5:19PM EDT


I saw the face of baby Jesus in my shit once. When I wiped, His face appeared to me in a brown outline.


this is in or around RI
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41960304

re: What's the strangest thing you've ever seen in your poop?


Reply to: anon-41982818@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 9:20PM EDT


after a long night of debauchery involving 2 17yr old prostitutes, 1/8 of coke, 2 bottles of Remy and an italian beef, there she was. staring right back at me from the bottom of the bowl, it was the Virgin Mother, Mary.

that was 15 years ago, and i have lived a clean, godd-fearing life since,

Oral Roberts


this is in or around Chicago - sodom by the lake
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41982818

re: italian beef


Reply to: anon-41988329@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 10:42PM EDT


Italian Beef! Now I know you're from Chicago. I grew up in an Italian family in an Italian neighborhood, and I never heard the term "Italian Beef" until I lived in Chicago for 2 years.

Did the poop smell?


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41988329

re: re: italian beef


Reply to: anon-41992593@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 11:36PM EDT


the faint scent of lilacs, the scent of angels dancing in the air!

Oral Roberts


this is in or around Chicago - sodom by the lake
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41992593

Poopidence


Reply to: anon-41988513@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 10:42PM EDT


Seriously, EVERYONE post details about their feces!

This board is gaining popularity on all the other boards! We are known as "Poopidence" on craigslist!

Keep it up! More shit talk! Let's get noticed!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41988513

I'm clenching my sphincter right now!!!


Reply to: anon-41991468@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 11:20PM EDT


I've had to shit for the past 5 hours. I've been holding it and holding it. Squeezing my asshole shut!

I'm freaking turtling right now! I'm prairie dogging right now!!!

I'm going to give birth to it soon. I have been waiting so it really builds up because I want to give you all good details.

Have a nice night!

I hope you don't shit your bed tonight!!! LOL


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41991468

RE: Condom Wrappers


Reply to: anon-41991872@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-09, 11:25PM EDT


If you were that drunk, how do you know it was a woman?

If you could remember his name, maybe he could tell you how the condom wrapper ended up in your shit. Did you ever think he could pack it in your ass that badly???

LOfuckingL


Condom Wrappers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-41843313@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 4:22PM EDT


I know I got very drunk last night. . .and I have a vague memory of the sex with with this woman I barely knew being very freaky and intense--porno style sex that I thought only happens in pornos. . .but what's with the condom wrappers in my shit?

No, they weren't just floating in the toilet. They're embedded in my shit, like a fossil in a rock.

Wow. It must have been an even better night than I thought. I just wish I could remember all of it.



this is in or around hmmm...
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


41991872

poetry from the toilet


Reply to: anon-42004253@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-10, 3:11AM EDT


It's the crinkles in your craphole,
it's your pussy juice that flows.
When I cum all over your monster tits,
it reminds me of when it snows.

Christmas is a celebration,
I'd like to give you my big fat cock.

Happy sweet sixteen,
your days of jump rope are surely in the past.
Today you are not a girl,
but a woman with a nice round ass.
Your tits sticking out so far,
your nipples hard like rocks.
I'd like to jam my fucking prick between them myself,
but that's wrong because I'm your pop.




this is in or around providence sewer
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

My shit today


Reply to: anon-42014842@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-10, 9:48AM EDT


This morning was difficult because I'm somewhat constipated. I think it might be from the banana I ate the day before...I've heard bananas make your shit hard. Anyway, as I sat on the bowl sweating to death, I squeezed out two very black turds. I'm talking Darth Vader dumplings. These babies didn't float. They sank straight to the bottom, probably overloaded with worms and parasites.

So I had a situation: Do I push more and try to unload the rest of my fecal matter, or just give up and get going? When I was young, I heard a story about a little boy who spent so much time on the john once, that his colon fell out. He had to be rushed to the hospital with his colon in a bag and a long cord of intestine that travelled into his fanny. Ever since I heard that, even though the truth of the story is dubious at best, I've been reluctant to spend too much time on the can. After a short time of reflection, I decided to "wrap it up," so to speak, and wipe my ass.

Now it gets even more complicated. The tp that the gf bought is only one ply. It's thinner than a head of hair. It's also very rough. Imagine wiping your ass with a paper bag. She bought a fuckin 30-pack of this stuff. We're talking hardcore Job Lot tp. So now I have to look forward to a month or more of bone dry, starchy asshole. My prostate was twitching by the time I got up.


this is in or around RI
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


42014842

Wow, what a wonderful morning!


Reply to: anon-40668318@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 12:05PM EDT


I just grew a tail the size of a rhesus monkeys'!

It was long, and brown, and it curled around the bottom of the bowl.
The best part was, it was a lucky ducky! No wiping necessary.


this is in or around the bowl
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


40668318

Pranksters on the Providence R&R Board


Reply to: anon-41841773@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-08, 3:09PM CDT


My god. Check it out, please. Someone a while back was asking people on other boards to post things about "poop" and the like to annoy the uptight people of Providence. . .and it's just snowballed.

It's not just the posts, but the situation that has been making me do spit-takes at the computer. All these people, united, to annoy the hell out of this city. It's priceless!


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

portland poop


Reply to: anon-39297459@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-13, 5:58PM EDT


So I'm from RI and when I read the a post on the Portland RnR asking people to come to the Providence site and post "poop" I was curious..

so..

poop.. anal.. butt-plug..

does that fill your CL poop fetish..??


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


39297459

Poop Haiku


Reply to: anon-39315786@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-13, 9:43PM EDT


Mud Butt. <> 08/13 15:35:31

Loud and squirty farts
Spray painting your underwear
Many shades of brown.



http://forums.providence.craigslist.org/?act=Q&ID=18013729


this is in or around CL Forums: Haiku
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

re:My prostate was twitching by the time I got up.


Reply to: anon-42018409@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-09-10, 10:29AM EDT


LOL!

I always end up with blood on the toilet paper when I wipe my ass.

You think I over do it?


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



Epilogue

This, believe it or not, is where the posts began to die down, like all historical events or fads. I checked Providence's Rants & Raves board less and less, and it soon returned to a normal Craigslist Rants and Raves board (i.e., postings about Racism, Fat Girls, and the occassional truly good rant or rave). There was one person though who seemed to hang in there longer than the rest. For a while this guy (it must be a guy) kept posting every day or so, asking people about their daily poop. He would always sign his posts with his cheerful, "Take a shit!" moniker. In fact, I think he's still around. For old time's sake, this morning I searched Providence's Rants & Raves board. I found this post dated April 6, 2005:

I just shit my pants!!!!!!!!!!!!


Reply to: anon-67171492@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-06, 11:12AM EDT


OMG, I am sitting here at work and thought I had to fart, next thing you know I am sitting in a pile of shit!!!!

What do I do???
  • no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
And these replies:

Re: I just shit my pants


Reply to: anon-67175648@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-06, 11:34AM EDT


OMG that is fucking funny, have had it happen in bed once. I would run to the bathroom take off my underwear and clean, throw out the underwear. Then don't return to the bathroom.

Thanks for making my day.

Re: I just shit my pants


Reply to: anon-67179427@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-06, 11:51AM EDT


Alright...here's what you do.

Quick as a fucking bunny you need to run out to the coffee machine, get a cup and go back to your desk. Soon as you get there dump the coffee on your lap.

That's the perfect excuse to go home and change. The burnt genital area will be worth it.

RE: re: I Just shit my pants


Reply to: anon-67188850@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-06, 12:37PM EDT


So do you think I should put elastic bands around the cuffs of my pants to keep the shit from falling out when i run to the coffee machine?? I haven't moved because i dont want the shit running down my leg and out onto the carpet.

I think people are catching on, because the smell is spreading throughout the office...

Re:(10x) I just shit my pants


Reply to: anon-67195160@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-04-06, 1:09PM EDT


You poor thing you! HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Just start laughing in hysterics and run as fast as you can out of the off and home. And all I have to say is DAMN.



Was this you, "Take a shit!" guy? Are you still posting? Are you still keeping the shit-dream alive, still carrying your methane torch, watching the shit-house for the rest of us? I admire your persistance and courage to keep the poop flowing in Rhode Island. You were/are funny as shit. And for everyone who participated or witnessed the hilarity, or carnage depending on your point of view, may you all be regular for all your living days!