Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Golf Umbrellas In The City



There's a reason why them call them "golf umbrellas." They are intended for use on a golf course. I know this sounds like oversimplification, but many of you out there just don't get it. This type of umbrella's purpose is described explicitly in its title, "golf umbrella." Perhaps you, the person who uses golf umbrellas in the city, do get the concept, but you just don't care that you are a walking hazard and annoyance.

While the purpose of all umbrellas is to shield a person from rain, behemoth golf umbrellas serve no purpose at all on a crowded city street except to block all pedestrian traffic, piss people off and show what a pussy you are that you need to hide under a tent out of fear of getting a drop of water on your Dockers and/or cheap-ass (yet oh-so-stylish) shirt you bought at H&M.

POP QUIZ: Look at the two pictures below. Name at least one similarity and two differences between the two.

Hint: look at all that space. Hint: look at all that space.
Picture 1 Picture 2

ANSWERS:

Similarity
  • Both Picture 1 and Picture 2 are places located on the planet earth.
Differences
  • Picture 1 is a wide open and spacious golf course, whereas Picture 2 is a city street.
  • Picture 1 shows a rational person using the proper tool in an appropriate place, whereas Picture 2 shows a cluster of fucks who do not know how to exist in a helpful manner in an urban setting, nor do they seem to care.
According to the 2000 US Census, the population density of the City of Chicago is 12,747 people per square mile. In large cities like Chicago, and I'm only stating the obvious for those who can't seem to grasp obvious things, a whole bunch more people live and work in a much smaller space than in most other cities and towns. The city of Kankakee for example is a town only about sixty miles South of Chicago, and its population density is 153.4 people per square mile. Big difference. Combine these sheer population density facts with an ever increasing lack of civility and common courtesy in society, then a living and working in a situation that is often tense under the best conditions becomes exponentially worse. Blocking pedestrian traffic and poking people in the eye with golf umbrellas is but one small example of the thoughtlessness exacerbating the day to day urban existence. The frustration is urban blight for the mind.

I do however give the benefit of the doubt to the city folk in that I'm willing to bet that the majority of people who use golf umbrellas in the city are clueless commuters from the suburbs. A winding, tree-lined suburban street or wide-open strip mall is a hell of a lot better place to use a golf umbrella than Michigan Avenue during rush hour. Many suburban subdivisions already look like golf courses or are actually located adjacent to one.

CASE STUDY: HOW BIG ARE GOLF UMBRELLAS REALLY?

In the photo below, note the gentleman heading into the Tribune Tower:

Look at the width of the stairs relative to the size of the the umbrella. Look at the picture again, but this time imagine it without the umbrella. There's a hell of a lot more space to maneuver on the stairs, isn't there! (Also, when I snapped this picture, it was barely even drizzling out, which makes this man a super puss.)

If the previous example doesn't show just how ginormous that golf umbrellas are in the concrete jungle, then look at the next picture:

This is a patio umbrella. Patio umbrellas are large, and are excellent for keeping one dry when one is on a patio. Now let's superimpose Mr. Tribune Tower in front of this huge patio umbrella:

Okay, I admit that I cheated a bit with the size and perspective of the original picture, but Mr. Tribune's golf umbrella really isn't that much smaller than the patio umbrella which is intended to keep four (FOUR!) people dry.

What's worse, is these huge umbrellas aren't an occasional annoyance anymore; for some reason, their numbers are increasing. They have become a trend. They are the SUVs of the sidewalk:


A completely blocked sidewalk.


While I respect that this guy has his hand on his wife's ass, people couldn't walk up or down the stairs.


Dumbass


The ܜber- Pussy

Okay, maybe I'm obsessed. I mean, running around the city streets while it's raining (with a normal sized umbrella, thank you) so that I could take pictures of golf umbrella people isn't exactly healthy. Am I the only one who has noticed this trend? Am I the only one who gets annoyed and pissed-off whenever I have to duck out of the way or plod behind these people?

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for putting into words a great annoyance that I've been silent about. NYC has so many transplants now also who DO NOT now how to live here!

2:05 PM  
Blogger Mona said...

Rant, GOD I've missed you.
Terrific post on umbrellas. I could almost understand it if the rain were always beating down in a 60% angle...however, what is most important is making sure that we can all live on this planet together, happily, with comfort. The last thing we need is sidewalk rage. Thank you for your informative post, as always. And what a great first anonymous spam comment. Lovely. I've been out of the loop for too long and it's great to be back. SO glad to see you're still doing such a terrific job.

And don't worry....you ARE healthy. You didn't kill or harass any of these folks, did you? Nope, you used a perfectly healthy outlet :)

4:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heche una ojeada buen cu�l es el m�s importante para usted.Deeply, Muoi plate specs for electrolysis of water

7:07 AM  

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