Why We Miss It

"Why can't you make it in the toilet?" is one of those recurring questions often asked by women of their men, be they boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife and even mother and son. Sometimes the question is asked in just this form or in the form of long, drawn-out bits by wacky stand-up comedians who haven’t changed their acts since the 1980’s. Heck, this question can even become the entire plot of a modern sitcom which often shows the husband figure acting and being treated like a bumbling fool, existing only to take the brunt of the collective psychological anger of women. But I digress.

I want to put an end to this question once and for all. I want my answer to render this question a non-issue, to the dismay of bad stand-up comics and sitcom writers everywhere. So here it is ladies. Here is the definitive explanation once and for all as to why our urine stream doesn't always, or never in most of your minds, make it directly into the toilet.

Height
Unlike women who sit directly on the toilet or hover only a few inches above the seat in nasty bar bathrooms and public places, we aim for the bull’s-eye from much higher up. Some guys are taller and some are shorter, just like some penises are longer and shorter than others, but regardless of height and penis length, we're always aiming from a greater height than you. This includes the men who boast by claiming they don’t like to pee because the water in the bowl is always too cold. Only a freakish few are blessed/cursed with anatomy of this astronomically improbable length. I’m not saying that the few feet of extra height we normally urinate from is akin to trying to pee blindfolded into a thimble from atop the Sears Tower, but it is a factor. Because men are aiming from higher up, the probability of a man missing the bowl will always be slightly higher than a woman missing from a seated position. This is but a small variable in the “why do men miss the toilet?” equation, however. This variable by itself is seemingly benign, but when coupled with the next important factor, you will clearly understand, possibly to your dismay, why we sometimes miss the toilet. More important, you will see that the reason is not because all men are careless slobs.

Misfires
We can aim the gun, but we can't always control where the bullets go. Without being too graphic here, let me explain with an example. The movie “Me, Myself and Irene” has a hilarious scene that well illustrates this point. Jim Carey plays Officer Charlie Baileygates opposite Rene Zellweger who plays Irene Waters. In the educational scene, Baileygates wakes up in a hotel room bed next to Irene. Groggy eyed, he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. Standing above the toilet, he whips it out and begins urinating. Though an extreme comical example, instead of the stream going where he's aiming, into the toilet, the stream shoots upward, downward, left, right—everywhere. In shock, Baileygates screams to Irene in the bedroom, "Why am I peeing like I just had sex all night?" I think just about everyone out there understands what post-sex phenomenon caused this to happen. Well ladies, sometimes this happens even if we haven't had sex or we have the best hygiene. Though it seems simple for us to whip it out, take aim and fire away, sometimes it’s not so simple because unfortunately the end of our cannon can get a little clogged up. Or, to be very direct, the skin flaps around our pee-pee hole can be a bit dry or just stuck together. This of course will redirect the flow. If you don’t believe me, try this: Don’t clean the gunk off the tip of a plastic mustard squeeze bottle between uses. Sooner or later, when you squeeze that puppy while aiming for the bulls-eye center of a slice of bologna, some mustard is going to shoot out to the side and miss your original target. Sometimes this male phenomenon reminds me of those trick water guns where one can swivel the nozzle tip to the left or the right. The net effect is the person one points and shoots the gun at remains dry, and the person standing to the left or right gets wet. Similarly, when I'm standing and dangling above the toilet I always aim for the center, but often the rim of the toilet bowl gets the first squeak of a shot. Or the floor. Or the wall. Or, if I'm in the Officer Baileygates situation, the roll of toilet paper, the mirror, the sink or the ceiling may get a squirt (I’ve only hit the ceiling once in my life. Well, I’ve only hit the ceiling once by accident. On purpose? That’s a whole ‘nother interesting story about how all the boys in my third grade class received detentions). Thankfully, after the initial stray shot, it doesn't take long to get back on target. The stray streams usually don’t last long; once the flow is going, it only takes a moment to clear the blockage or unstick the end, and the flow quickly corrects itself.

Enlightenment
I hope I've been educational, ladies. The height at which men pee coupled with the biological-fun-house of a nozzle that often exists at the end of our hoses is why we don't always make it directly into the toilet. Because women sit directly on the seat, I don’t see how they can ever miss, though I have heard horror stories from women about disgusting toilet seats in their bathrooms. I further realize though that regardless of why men pee on the rim of the toilet bowl, it doesn’t excuse men not cleaning up after themselves. This is the main issue of agitation, I believe. In the interest of reaching detente in this single battle within greater, never-ending war between the sexes, I want to state that whenever I miss the bowl, I always clean up the mess. Guys: when you miss your target, just wipe that shit--I mean piss--up. It's more sanitary and more importantly it keeps the "why can't men make it in the toilet" question at bay. Think about it: If we just cleaned up after ourselves in the first place, we would never have heard the bleating question, “why can’t you make it in the toilet?” ad nauseum.

Okay ladies and gentlemen, I actually have to pee now, so it’s time to bring this explanation to an end. I hope that these words of insight for women and advice for men finally end this issue once and for all. And, for what it’s worth, I’m going out to a bar later tonight. While there, not only will I not clean up any stray streams, but I just may purposely squirt the wall a bit.

Hey, I'm still a guy.

Maybe it’s in our genes to mark our territory. Don’t fault me for that ladies, and I promise to never ask you why you need so many damn pairs of shoes.